Hold On

Do we take on our parents' troubles because we think we "owe" them? But what do we really owe them? Serious question....

They raised us, my sister Stephanie & I - crazingly-amazing girls with all this energy that they had no idea what to do with...they did the best they could, and this post is not about blaming. And yet...they didn't SEE us really and now? Really, now that we are finally finding ourselves and going to make our lives golden we have to take all this time & energy to nurse their worst fears and entertain their drama and engage in all this bullshit, REALLY?!

We will get through this, my current family crisis, and people will have to adjust, they will have to change, and it WILL be painful, I don't mean to down play that at all. But we (myself, my sister, my brothers) do not have to be the buffer for the pain of others, we do NOT have to absorb it if we just say No. (And a wise woman once told me "You don't have to be angry, to say No" - because I've been pretty white-hot ANGRY lately.)

I know, not "just" - it's never "just" anything. My mother in Seattle is dangerously close to ending up in a wheelchair, at the young-old age of 67, because she needs a knee replacement but her legs aren't strong enough for her to get one. And I/we haven't done "enough" (so the Extended-Family story goes or seems to be going).

And so I have her siblings calling me up (and my older brother too), saying how concerned they are, how she needs a stationary bike in her living room in addition to the physical therapy, and how oh my gosh "she doesn't seem to be taking care of her personal hygiene" - and I just want to SCREAM sometimes.

I cannot make my mother want to live. THAT is the awful truth. And I will not suffer needlessly for it. I flatly refuse. I say NO to feeling BAD about my mother & her choices. I just cannot do it and still have a Good Life of my own. I put the mask on (in the airplane, when the cabin loses pressure or oxygen goes out or whatever), on me first. Only then can I help anyone else. Do you understand?

A friend contributed this quote: "Things going 'wrong' are actually things going right." A friend who is having her own family struggles right now, so I know she knows something about this. But somedays I still struggle to see anything "right" about all this.

Hold On
~ Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know I’d do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Oh God if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHBmpGLGyk8&ob=av2e

Good Enough
~ Sara McLachlan
Hey your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you
It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I’ve heard
It’s refreshing not to see
I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me

Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I have never been there for you
Don’t tell me why
Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it’s ok
The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone
And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this

So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjKPJbtghvs

Perfect Girl
~ Sarah McLachlan
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laeln1XKjoU