My Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law was a formidable woman. Formidable Florence! They should have called her, or even “Formidable Flo” except that she took life much too seriously to be a “Flo”…she was also incredibly flawed and I could have thanked her for many of the major malfunctions in my husband that I’ve had to navigate over the years. However, I would never say anything so unkind! We weren’t very close but we always got along well, and I’d like to think I was a mostly “good” daughter-in-law for the nearly 23 years I’ve been married to David (and 30 years together all told). 

 

I was there for her big 100th birthday party and then we visited again for 102 last Fall. My husband was desperately wanting Florence to make it to 103 because he planned to have his granddaughter be there, hoping she might - at 4 years old by then - actually have some memory when she got older, of meeting her great-grandmother. But this was not to be. We were starting to think she might live forever! But no one gets to - or has to - live forever, at least no one as of yet has figured out how to do that.

There was the fall that forced her move from assisted living apartment (shared with her husband until he passed in 2016) to a skilled nursing facility. Incredibly, there was yet another fall she was able to recover from with no long-term issues. But then there was a final fall in April. She went on hospice pretty much immediately, and husband flew to Milwaukee after a short visit with his granddaughter, rather than returning home as planned, because we didn’t know how much time Florence had left. 

He FaceTimed me on a Friday evening and told me I needed to say goodbye. I sang her “You are my sunshine” which my husband said she really responded to, told her I loved her, and then a couple hours later she was gone. My husband, the youngest of her 4 kids and so her last “baby,” was there holding her hand to the end.   

I flew out the following Sunday and that week we laid Florence to rest. Outside of it being a celebration of the long rich life she lived, it was also such a special time for me, to be part of David’s family and reflect back on all the years living in Milwaukee, gathering with them for holidays, birthdays, weddings etc. There were many tears, memories, and stories shared - and a lot of laughter. I also had some unexpectedly healing time with my step-son with whom I haven’t always had the easiest relationship. 

I may be repeating myself when I say this but…thinking about life, how long or short it may be, I consider my now 11 years of sobriety to be “bonus time” I get to have, because I surely was on the road to quite an early death and miserable last years, when I fortunately course corrected. 

Given everything I’ve gone through with my husband, and the mostly good place we are in now, I likewise think of the time since I decided to stick with the marriage after all, as being “bonus time” we have together. It’s a nice little mental trick that keeps me grateful! And I never felt more grateful than the week I spent in Milwaukee supporting him while we went through all the activity surrounding saying goodbye to Florence. 

“I can’t believe she’s gone” - David keeps saying ever since we got back from Milwaukee, and I can relate, since sometimes I still can’t believe my own mother is gone. Now we are both “orphans” together, and my hope is that this might bond us even closer, over time. The truth is that none of us know how much time we have…and so we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to just be as present and connected as possible. At a certain point, and considering the other possibilities, it’s all “bonus time” isn’t it?