Happiness Is A Hirning Christmas (And Family is a Mirror)

So we pulled it off! The Florida Christmas I started planning almost as soon as we finished our trip to Cancun last Xmas. It was maybe not as magical as Mexico last year but we 4 siblings (plus Steph’s husband Noe) were just glad to be together for the holiday and we had a great time!

The weather did NOT cooperate so we spent a little less time at the beach (which was the whole damn point of getting an Airbnb out at Indian Rocks Beach versus accommodations closer to my apartment), and more time indoors than I would have liked, but that led us to learning and playing several new games, and also exploring the nearby nature preserve, which is a little hidden gem.

The one day we did brave the beach (the day after Xmas), the fog lifted momentarily only to return and we gave up and went back to the house. 

But we gave it our best shot!

Since becoming roommates with my brother, I’d noticed little things he did or said that slightly annoyed me that I realized I do also. And then something similar happened with another sibling, where I mentioned a behavior that bothered me, and while this sib was defending, explaining and justifying instead of taking in what I’d said, I had an “aha” moment because I saw this was EXACTLY what I had been doing with my husband. 

Literally, for YEARS. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I think this is no small part of what we’ve been struggling with as a couple.

It’s totally human to want to handle it this way, but the insight I gained by seeing my own behavior reflected back to me, is that if we have any hope to understand each other’s perspectives and show the love and respect that strengthens relationships, we have to try to do something different. And I could see how it felt so invalidating to have it handled in any other way. 

So, as we are almost entering a new year, my hope and my prayer for us humans is that we have more real connection with each other, even when it means having to hear hard feedback about our own behavior and even when the sun doesn’t shine on our long-planned family Florida vacation.

 

 

No Children

I don’t actually feel this way about my marriage. I was going to post these lyrics in November, after my brother first introduced me to the song, and in the first flush of grief related to separating from my husband. But I’m glad I took a pause, because hopeful things transpiring since then are leading me to think that I may NOT be getting divorced after all; and even if I do, I feel pretty sure I can avoid falling into quite this much acrimony and bitterness. 

But because I find it darkly funny I’m posting it anyway. And I can certainly identify with the “No Children” part, and grateful for how that gives a certain freedom for grown-ass humans to figure out their relationship shit without affecting any innocent tiny humans.

As a friend told me, after listening to me talk about my marriage, “When we reach this age and people who’ve been married a long time separate, there’s often more pushing them away from each other than pulling them together but you guys seem to still have a lot pulling you back towards each other.” In other words, still a lot of love and affection and even compatiblity left, after sifting out all the other (conflicting) feelings and issues. 

So, with that hopeful note for my own situation, feel free to enjoy this song about a couple who probably will or did divorce! I’m sure they are much happier now, apart.

“No Children” ~ by The Mountain Goats

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a fail-safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late

And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town again

In my life, I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
I hope I never get sober

And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way

I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die