We Were So Young Then

Her voice was a wonder, and these lyrics…still so powerful! I hope she is at peace but I will miss this artist; her music inextricably tied up in the time I first heard it and listened to it most.

Troy ~ Sinead O’Conner

I'll remember it

And Dublin in a rainstorm
And sitting in the long grass in summer
Keeping warm
I'll remember it
Every restless night
We were so young then 
We thought that everything
We could possibly do were the right
Then we moved
Stolen from our very eyes 
And I wondered where you went to
Tell me when did the light die
You will rise
You'll return
The phoenix from the flame
You will learn 
You will rise
You'll return
Being what you are
There is no other Troy
For you to burn

And I never meant to hurt you
I swear I didn't mean 
Those things I said
I never meant to do that to you
Next time I'll keep my hands to myself instead
Oh, does she love you
What do you want to do?
Does she need you like I do?
Do you love her?
Is she good for you?
Does she hold you like I do?

Do you want me?
Should I leave?
I know you're always telling me 
That you love me
Just sometimes I wonder 
If I should believe
Oh, I love you
God, I love you
I'd kill a dragon for you
I'll die
But I will rise 
And I will return
The Phoenix from the flame
I have learned
I will rise
And you'll see me return
Being what I am
There is no other Troy
For me to burn 

And you should've left the light on
You should've left the light on
Then I wouldn't have tried
And you'd never have known
And I wouldn't have pulled you tighter
No I wouldn't have pulled you close
I wouldn't have screamed
No I can't let you go
And the door wasn't closed
No I wouldn't have pulled you to me
No I wouldn't have kissed your face
You wouldn't have begged me to hold you 
If we hadn't been there in the first place
Oh but I know you wanted me to be there oh oh
Every look that you threw told me so
But you should've left the light on
You should've left the light on
And the flames burned away
But you're still spitting fire
Make no difference what you say
You're still a liar
You're still a liar
You're still a liar

Pondering Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico, 

My heart’s devotion - 

Let it sink back in the ocean.

Always the hurricanes blowing,

Always the population growing,

And the money owing,

And the sunlight streaming,

And the natives steaming.

I like the island Manhattan - 

(I know you do!)

Smoke on your pipe

And put that in!

~ Anita, in the film “West Side Story”

Truthfully, I think I liked Puerto Rico more than Panama, although to be fair, I haven’t been to Panama in almost 10 years. But one of our last visits to Panama was in the month of May, and I remember it felt SO hot, and you know my tolerance for heat has to be fairly high, given how long we’ve lived in and loved Florida. 

PR in July felt way less hot, or maybe there were just better ocean breezes, since it’s an island versus Panama being an isthmus (which is actually a really hard word to spell and say, another point in PR’s favor vs Panama). 

🤣

My friend moving to Panama soon as her husband is ready to retire told me PR has too many hurricanes and is too expensive (milk is like $8 a gallon she said! My response was well, we don’t buy milk), but after this first visit and how much we liked it, I think it’s a pretty strong contender for our dream of living as ex-pats somewhere in the future. Except, not sure if you’re really an ex-pat since it’s a US territory? Obviously, I have more research to do, something my husband’s really good at, and I’m admittedly much less so.

But my overall impression, from one day walking around Old San Juan and two days driving to other towns on the island, is that it seems very livable and would be very do-able to move there someday, maybe. 

It did strike me as so strange though, to feel like you’re in another country and then see familiar things like the highway speed limit in miles and US post offices, not to mention all the usual chain stores and restaurants. Apparently the distances on maps are done in kilometers but the speed limit signs are in miles, which is confusing, but I suppose you get used to it.

Either way, I loved getting to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary by exploring a brand-new place together and pondering the idea of someday moving there; I also had a great time taking photos of the iguanas at the ages-old fort we visited, and all the sweet street cats. 

The Marriage Song

 The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

But I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

The Book of Love ~ Peter Gabriel

I will never forget how we bought our wedding bands before I even had an engagement ring. But then, David and I bought a house together even before we were engaged to be married, so I guess we’ve always done things a bit backwards. 

I don’t remember the exact month or even how far ahead of our wedding we bought them, but I can clearly picture the antique jewelry store we went to in the cute little town of Cedarburg (a northern suburb of Milwaukee). We found two perfect white gold bands that weren’t identical but very close; so perfect they didn’t even need to be resized as I recall. 

They came in two identical pink fuzzy boxes that I can also picture perfectly, and I clearly recall how we were so excited we took them out and tried wearing our new-to-you wedding rings the whole drive home. 

This is a really sweet memory that I think about as we celebrate 20 years of marriage this Wednesday the 5th of July.

In the 27 years we’ve been together (the 7 before marriage definitely count, we both are adamant about that!) we’ve had long stretches of peace and fulfillment. And then, we’ve also had seemingly “ages of combat” (see old post and poem that speak to that).

If either one of us had been just a tiny bit more laid back or less emotionally high-maintenance, I think it could have been different. But there it is. 

George Orwell said “At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” And maybe the same can be said about a long marriage, and for our marriage after this amount of time, and all we’ve been through together. Perhaps the good and the bad of it is exactly what we deserve.

In cynical moments I think that a marriage of any length is nothing but a progressive sense of disappointment in this person who has pledged their life to yours, and you to them. For he has definitely disappointed me and I know I’ve disappointed him. 

But how could it be otherwise over such a great span of time, and when we are such flawed humans?

Maybe I just have the most flawed marriage ever? Or perhaps these feelings are quite common but I’m the only one stupid enough to admit to them! The struggle of any long-term relationship is real and I can’t tell you how often I have thought of just giving up. 

Yet I can honestly say, at least for today, the struggle has been worth it. I do deeply love this man; it’s of course cliched, but not untrue, to say that he’s my very best friend. The one who knows me the best, has seen me at my worst, and still likes and loves me. 

We’ve both been so very many different people since we first met each other, back in the Spring of 1996; all these different versions of ourselves within this one relationship, it sometimes amazes me to think about it. 

One thing that has always helped us is we’re extremely good at making each other laugh! If we couldn’t laugh together, we probably never would have made it this far. And sometimes we have those thoughtful philosophizing conversations (this way of looking at life with which we first connected and started this journey), that make me feel the beautiful world is still full of mysteries and magic.

When we’re our best selves, like this, we are flowers and pink, fuzzy heart-shaped boxes for each other. The trick, I think, is to be our best selves more often, and forgive each other, and ourselves, when inevitably we fall short. 

A photo of us that I love from last summer on our way to Milwaukee to celebrate the impending birth of our first grandchild.