I
In anonymous airplane space
we are all muted and blank
Safe, but not safe, as
time slows down
Changes, becomes artificially
ventilated
As we move across the map of this world
and navigate the stupid crowded cabin
Or stare out the window, watching God play
with the fluff of our lives
The weather outside sparking
suddenly, like a child with matches.
But we are also children inside
this regulated and controlled environment
Fearing adult things
like losing jobs, unavoidable
Death and taxes
as the ice cubes melt in my plastic glass
While tears run down my face
in heavy, messy gashes.
II
Memories visit me, like vivid
photographs floating across private
space - my pristinely new sorrow
Or a movie playing me
the time he listened so patiently
to my five-year-old grievances
Just after the horrible tantrum
as he was putting me to bed
so kind and wise and gentle
While the work waited
on his desk and just behind
his furrowed brow, the worries
The problems, of never enough
money, never enough time, to do
the other things he wanted
The dreams deferred or
completely abandoned for the
inescapable demands of children.
III
Rocking in the beautiful and turbulent
night air, high above the clouds
I remember the details of my father's
complicated love, feeling anger, awe and fear.
Never Safe again like I was when
I was there, in his warm attention
Past the hiccupping tears and nodding into a sweet
sleep where I was all that mattered to one person.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Waiting for it to be Otherwise
Waiting for it to be Otherwise
~ by Michele Hirning
Waiting for the call
that tells me he is dead.
Waiting for the fall
for the failure
the loss
I'm sure is coming.
Expecting it all.
For me, unfortunately
it is always
already, somehow
Otherwise.
Otherwise
by Jane Kenyon
I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birchwood.
All morning I did
the work I love.
At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.
~ by Michele Hirning
Waiting for the call
that tells me he is dead.
Waiting for the fall
for the failure
the loss
I'm sure is coming.
Expecting it all.
For me, unfortunately
it is always
already, somehow
Otherwise.
Otherwise
by Jane Kenyon
I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk, ripe, flawless
peach. It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birchwood.
All morning I did
the work I love.
At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Requiem - A Poem
REQUIEM
~ Michele Hirning, Spring 1995
That was the week
of nothing to say
but Yes
to different mouths
varied hands
curve of belly
arching back
length and width of thigh.
How uniquely each one
would sigh
among the blankets and pillows
that were not mine
and needed to be washed on Sunday.
Merely there
we did not own anything.
That was the moment
of nothing to do
but try
the hot tub
and closeness
of the water
silent steam
made me feel we had a
chance for intimacy - something
more uniquely sensual
than these nights of hedonism
and pure physicality
not mine and needing to be
washed from my body.
Merely there
when we emerged
chlorine-covered, pruney
glistening in the light
ashamed and hiding,
bathed but not clean.
That was the damage
after the partying was
over, before the family
was home from Mexico
when, in the rain
with the help of my father
to shovel the dirt
I buried their cat
that had crept out of the
window through the steam
while I was carelessly craving love
and not watching.
Made suddenly stiff and silent
from living claws and fur
a small dead thing -
so eternally hurt she was
past all vulnerability.
That was the week
that in my heart
underneath black earth
and rain-soaked leaves
a small dead thing
was saying yes
losing control
feeling scared
and trying to find a way
to finally say No.
I am covered in dirt.
I do not own anything.
Pie Jesu (Andrew Lloyd Webber)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhOstwxcwWs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=df5X_BaWaRE
~ Michele Hirning, Spring 1995
That was the week
of nothing to say
but Yes
to different mouths
varied hands
curve of belly
arching back
length and width of thigh.
How uniquely each one
would sigh
among the blankets and pillows
that were not mine
and needed to be washed on Sunday.
Merely there
we did not own anything.
That was the moment
of nothing to do
but try
the hot tub
and closeness
of the water
silent steam
made me feel we had a
chance for intimacy - something
more uniquely sensual
than these nights of hedonism
and pure physicality
not mine and needing to be
washed from my body.
Merely there
when we emerged
chlorine-covered, pruney
glistening in the light
ashamed and hiding,
bathed but not clean.
That was the damage
after the partying was
over, before the family
was home from Mexico
when, in the rain
with the help of my father
to shovel the dirt
I buried their cat
that had crept out of the
window through the steam
while I was carelessly craving love
and not watching.
Made suddenly stiff and silent
from living claws and fur
a small dead thing -
so eternally hurt she was
past all vulnerability.
That was the week
that in my heart
underneath black earth
and rain-soaked leaves
a small dead thing
was saying yes
losing control
feeling scared
and trying to find a way
to finally say No.
I am covered in dirt.
I do not own anything.
Pie Jesu (Andrew Lloyd Webber)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhOstwxcwWs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=df5X_BaWaRE
Thursday, October 13, 2011
It's the end of the world...and you've come back to me
The Last Day on Earth
by Kate Miller Heidke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPGZAxNgVlQ
Look down the ground below is crumbling
Look up the stars are all exploding
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
Between the dust and the debris
There's a light surrounding you and me
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
And you hold me closer than I,
can ever remember being held
I'm not afraid to sleep now,
if we can stay like this until
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name
I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name
I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
by Kate Miller Heidke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPGZAxNgVlQ
Look down the ground below is crumbling
Look up the stars are all exploding
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
Between the dust and the debris
There's a light surrounding you and me
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my dreams
And you hold me closer than I,
can ever remember being held
I'm not afraid to sleep now,
if we can stay like this until
It's the last day on earth
In my dreams
In my dreams
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
It's the end of the world
And you've come back to me
In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name
I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
In my head I replay our conversations
Over and over til they feel like hallucinations
You know me? I love to lose my mind
And every time anybody speaks your name
I still feel the same
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
I ache, I ache, I ache inside
Saturday, September 17, 2011
"What's Your Damage, Heather?"
Magazine cover
quality women
with such gorgeous
narrow limbs
take up all the space in
the meeting rooms
of America's corporations.
They sit
across from me
wrinkling their
cute totalitarian
noses as if
they smell
something bad.
It's the flick of such
slick platinum hair
their seductive
skinny smiles and lightning
flash of glare, their intolerance
and the way they traipse
down the steel runway of the world
as if it was all owed to them.
And here she
sits, across from me
her forked tongue
silently slipping
between those lipsticked
lips, so that only I can see
for a moment, only I can get
that reptilian stare.
You sorority sister
boa-constrictor
squeezing out all my air
reducing me to nothing
but a 12-year old misfit
with snarls in my hair
throwing me back into that
adolescent anguish
where I am completely
insignificant
and there is
no mercy.
I am black and blue from
the sharp edges of you,
your fashionable fascism
and all your acceptable
unkindnesses.
But the worst part
is how I know
you are what the world
legitimates and loves
because "power always thinks
it has a great soul."
quality women
with such gorgeous
narrow limbs
take up all the space in
the meeting rooms
of America's corporations.
They sit
across from me
wrinkling their
cute totalitarian
noses as if
they smell
something bad.
It's the flick of such
slick platinum hair
their seductive
skinny smiles and lightning
flash of glare, their intolerance
and the way they traipse
down the steel runway of the world
as if it was all owed to them.
And here she
sits, across from me
her forked tongue
silently slipping
between those lipsticked
lips, so that only I can see
for a moment, only I can get
that reptilian stare.
You sorority sister
boa-constrictor
squeezing out all my air
reducing me to nothing
but a 12-year old misfit
with snarls in my hair
throwing me back into that
adolescent anguish
where I am completely
insignificant
and there is
no mercy.
I am black and blue from
the sharp edges of you,
your fashionable fascism
and all your acceptable
unkindnesses.
But the worst part
is how I know
you are what the world
legitimates and loves
because "power always thinks
it has a great soul."
Monday, August 29, 2011
My Wedding Day + 8 Years
Unbroken
~ Katharine McPhee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjj3gozYVl4&feature=youtube_gdata
I lay beside you; I can't sleep
And you don't even know about me
My back is turned a world away
And you don't even know
These tears are falling
And all my life, and all this time
My love for you has added up to this
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
I've lost your thousand silent screams
I'm coming down this brutal mountain
I'm ready here to try again
Standing in the light from the darkness
And all my life and all my time
And all the hurting and all the working
It somehow made me stronger in the end
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
And all my life and all this time
And all the prayin' and all the meeting
And all the beating, it somehow makes us better in the end
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/unbroken_lyrics_katharine_mcphee.html
All about Katharine Mcphee: http://www.musictory.com/music/Katharine+Mcphee
~ Katharine McPhee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjj3gozYVl4&feature=youtube_gdata
I lay beside you; I can't sleep
And you don't even know about me
My back is turned a world away
And you don't even know
These tears are falling
And all my life, and all this time
My love for you has added up to this
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
I've lost your thousand silent screams
I'm coming down this brutal mountain
I'm ready here to try again
Standing in the light from the darkness
And all my life and all my time
And all the hurting and all the working
It somehow made me stronger in the end
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
And all my life and all this time
And all the prayin' and all the meeting
And all the beating, it somehow makes us better in the end
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
It's unbroken, unbroken, unbroken
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/unbroken_lyrics_katharine_mcphee.html
All about Katharine Mcphee: http://www.musictory.com/music/Katharine+Mcphee
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Half-Life
Half-Life - a noun:
Physics. The time required for half the nuclei in a sample of a specific
isotopic species to undergo radioactive decay.
Biology. The time required for half the quantity of a drug or other substance
deposited in a living organism to be metabolized or eliminated by normal
biological processes. Also called biological half-life.
General. The time required for the radioactivity of material taken in by a living organism to be reduced to half its initial value by a combination of
biological elimination processes and radioactive decay.
The distance of a midwestern winter
is a marathon to run -
something you're not entirely sure
you can endure
until it's done
the days
edged in by darkness
and filled with sheer tedium
naked and forlorn
as any pantyhose you've worn.
The morning alarm is
a harsh wool coat
rubbing up against cottoned dreams,
and coming to consciousness
your day's duties line up
like the blazers
hanging in silent closet march.
So you put on that uniform
pour caffeine down your throat
and slamming out the door
weighted down walking to your car
that may not start
you are jealous of your cat
that you left lounging on the bed
with a face like christmas.
It's your coal in the stocking
the bitter disappointment
to wake up from the dream of childhood
and find that this is all there is -
cubical living and business shoes
clicking with authority on
a marble floor - the formality of
meetings and presentations
and forced austerity
all that business-speak
reining in the
the dangerous power of your
better, your best words
and the longing for more.
It's like a nuclear power plant:
your heart winking in the night
and nothing but
radioactive decay
in the morning.
Physics. The time required for half the nuclei in a sample of a specific
isotopic species to undergo radioactive decay.
Biology. The time required for half the quantity of a drug or other substance
deposited in a living organism to be metabolized or eliminated by normal
biological processes. Also called biological half-life.
General. The time required for the radioactivity of material taken in by a living organism to be reduced to half its initial value by a combination of
biological elimination processes and radioactive decay.
The distance of a midwestern winter
is a marathon to run -
something you're not entirely sure
you can endure
until it's done
the days
edged in by darkness
and filled with sheer tedium
naked and forlorn
as any pantyhose you've worn.
The morning alarm is
a harsh wool coat
rubbing up against cottoned dreams,
and coming to consciousness
your day's duties line up
like the blazers
hanging in silent closet march.
So you put on that uniform
pour caffeine down your throat
and slamming out the door
weighted down walking to your car
that may not start
you are jealous of your cat
that you left lounging on the bed
with a face like christmas.
It's your coal in the stocking
the bitter disappointment
to wake up from the dream of childhood
and find that this is all there is -
cubical living and business shoes
clicking with authority on
a marble floor - the formality of
meetings and presentations
and forced austerity
all that business-speak
reining in the
the dangerous power of your
better, your best words
and the longing for more.
It's like a nuclear power plant:
your heart winking in the night
and nothing but
radioactive decay
in the morning.
Friday, August 12, 2011
I feel the West in you but I feel it falling apart too
With a small shout-out to London, burning.
Northern Lad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYVpY8EqsKI
by Tori Amos
Had a northern lad, well not exactly had, but,
He moved like the sunset, God who painted that.
First he loved my accent. How his knees could bend.
I thought we'd be okay, me and my molasses.
But I feel something is wrong… But I feel this cake just isn't done.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now, said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because of... because of... all the rain, because of...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold.
I loved his secret places but I can't go anymore.
"You change like sugar cane," says my northern lad.
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars.
I feel the West in you, but I, I feel it falling apart too.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now... Said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because… of, because of... of the rain, because of...
Because of... of all the rain, because… of... the... rain...
Had a northern lad, well not exactly had, but,
He moved like the sunset, God who painted that.
First he loved my accent. How his knees could bend.
I thought we'd be okay, me and my molasses.
But I feel something is wrong… But I feel this cake just isn't done.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now, said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because of... because of... all the rain, because of...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold.
I loved his secret places but I can't go anymore.
"You change like sugar cane," says my northern lad.
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars.
I feel the West in you, but I, I feel it falling apart too.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now... Said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because… of, because of... of the rain, because of...
Because of... of all the rain, because… of... the... rain...
Northern Lad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYVpY8EqsKI
by Tori Amos
Had a northern lad, well not exactly had, but,
He moved like the sunset, God who painted that.
First he loved my accent. How his knees could bend.
I thought we'd be okay, me and my molasses.
But I feel something is wrong… But I feel this cake just isn't done.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now, said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because of... because of... all the rain, because of...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold.
I loved his secret places but I can't go anymore.
"You change like sugar cane," says my northern lad.
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars.
I feel the West in you, but I, I feel it falling apart too.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now... Said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because… of, because of... of the rain, because of...
Because of... of all the rain, because… of... the... rain...
Had a northern lad, well not exactly had, but,
He moved like the sunset, God who painted that.
First he loved my accent. How his knees could bend.
I thought we'd be okay, me and my molasses.
But I feel something is wrong… But I feel this cake just isn't done.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now, said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because of... because of... all the rain, because of...
He don't show much these days, it's gets so fucking cold.
I loved his secret places but I can't go anymore.
"You change like sugar cane," says my northern lad.
I guess you go too far when pianos try to be guitars.
I feel the West in you, but I, I feel it falling apart too.
And don't say that you don't.
And if you could see me now... Said if you could see me now.
Girls you've got to know when it's time to turn the page.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Or when you're only wet because of all the rain.
Because… of, because of... of the rain, because of...
Because of... of all the rain, because… of... the... rain...
Wisdom Teeth
Wisdom Teeth
~ Michele Hirning, Summer 1995
When they took them
I cried through the novocaine
and such cruel insistent digging.
It was as if they were after something that
wasn't there and the bone would crack
from my stubborn giving.
They took them but
not all because I was so very
full of pain and blindly resisting.
Afterwards they gave drugs
and sympathy and I went home
to ice packs and the slow aching.
Friends came with soft food
and movies but I couldn't
see the screen or eat through my crying.
I languished on the couch for days
swallowed pills and tears
and thought about only surviving.
Now, what has only recently taken root
is also extracted and it's
an even more begrudged giving.
This time I do crack:
she takes him all, and I am left
more shocked and wounded, more shaking.
They come with sympathy and soft eyes to
hear how I was wronged and read the poems
but I am more stubborn
and less wise,
there are no drugs
that work and the tools
don't stop digging.
~ Michele Hirning, Summer 1995
When they took them
I cried through the novocaine
and such cruel insistent digging.
It was as if they were after something that
wasn't there and the bone would crack
from my stubborn giving.
They took them but
not all because I was so very
full of pain and blindly resisting.
Afterwards they gave drugs
and sympathy and I went home
to ice packs and the slow aching.
Friends came with soft food
and movies but I couldn't
see the screen or eat through my crying.
I languished on the couch for days
swallowed pills and tears
and thought about only surviving.
Now, what has only recently taken root
is also extracted and it's
an even more begrudged giving.
This time I do crack:
she takes him all, and I am left
more shocked and wounded, more shaking.
They come with sympathy and soft eyes to
hear how I was wronged and read the poems
but I am more stubborn
and less wise,
there are no drugs
that work and the tools
don't stop digging.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Body Song
By Michele Hirning (circa 1994)
The body is a simple being
all skin and beat
it knows what it wants
it wants to win
another evening's silent retreat
from working limbs and
keeping eyes open into
repairs of the cell and well
regulated flush and heat.
It is easily satisfied by
meals and baths
a little coffee and nicotine
a little drink, a little something sweet.
Without love and longing
it is simply sexual:
a quick and clean machine.
This is all just good plumbing.
It is carefully maintained, organized
and roundly neat.
And I trust it, implicitly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good animals, nuzzling each other
mechanically.
The body is a cursed being
all sin and rage
it knows what it wants
it wants to be thin,
flawless like a celebrity,
it looks for escape
from mirrors and magazines
from age and the bars of this
osteoporotic cage.
It is never quite satisfied by
food - a war
to wage - either too-full or starving
these calories plumping up the blood stream.
Without lust or language
it is sickly sexual:
a silent and violated scream.
This is all just good upbringing.
It is carefully restrained, dressed-up
and placed upon a stage.
And I hate it, adoringly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good girls, killing ourselves
softly.
The body is a beautiful being
all song and light
it knows what it wants
it wants to begin,
to be healthy, to live long and
it will fight for a
space to dance, to dream and write
to be well-fed and go to
bed and wake up newly bright.
It is sometimes satisfied by
what it is
a body but also soul and mind
not separate, not wholly wrong or right.
Without lies and limits
it is serenely sexual:
a deeply delighted me, an irony.
This is all just good laughing.
It is lovingly uncontained, humored
it makes mistakes but it lives without fright.
And I accept it, unconditionally.
I know that we can only hope to be
good bodies, trying to live
soulfully.
The body is a simple being
all skin and beat
it knows what it wants
it wants to win
another evening's silent retreat
from working limbs and
keeping eyes open into
repairs of the cell and well
regulated flush and heat.
It is easily satisfied by
meals and baths
a little coffee and nicotine
a little drink, a little something sweet.
Without love and longing
it is simply sexual:
a quick and clean machine.
This is all just good plumbing.
It is carefully maintained, organized
and roundly neat.
And I trust it, implicitly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good animals, nuzzling each other
mechanically.
The body is a cursed being
all sin and rage
it knows what it wants
it wants to be thin,
flawless like a celebrity,
it looks for escape
from mirrors and magazines
from age and the bars of this
osteoporotic cage.
It is never quite satisfied by
food - a war
to wage - either too-full or starving
these calories plumping up the blood stream.
Without lust or language
it is sickly sexual:
a silent and violated scream.
This is all just good upbringing.
It is carefully restrained, dressed-up
and placed upon a stage.
And I hate it, adoringly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good girls, killing ourselves
softly.
The body is a beautiful being
all song and light
it knows what it wants
it wants to begin,
to be healthy, to live long and
it will fight for a
space to dance, to dream and write
to be well-fed and go to
bed and wake up newly bright.
It is sometimes satisfied by
what it is
a body but also soul and mind
not separate, not wholly wrong or right.
Without lies and limits
it is serenely sexual:
a deeply delighted me, an irony.
This is all just good laughing.
It is lovingly uncontained, humored
it makes mistakes but it lives without fright.
And I accept it, unconditionally.
I know that we can only hope to be
good bodies, trying to live
soulfully.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Translation of my Body
the translation of my body
becomes sodden today
in the darkly breathing
spaces
a wad of
wet blackly settling
napkins to wipe up
the spilt wine
cigarettes of the night
before
"good morning"
smiled
between lips used
into redundancy
and limbs lying
heavily
but tirelessly
tearing the recycled
wrapper
from a new day
becomes sodden today
in the darkly breathing
spaces
a wad of
wet blackly settling
napkins to wipe up
the spilt wine
cigarettes of the night
before
"good morning"
smiled
between lips used
into redundancy
and limbs lying
heavily
but tirelessly
tearing the recycled
wrapper
from a new day
Saturday, August 6, 2011
LizPhairsJustGonnaStandThere
Oh Liz Phair, how I loved you in the mid-Nineties!!! And how you described my life back then, in some ways....I loved how angry you were and how you did not hold a punch. Tell it like it is (was) girl....
Fuck & Run excerpt of lyrics:
"I didn't think this would happen again, no matter what I could do or say,
Just that I didn't think this would happen again, with or without my best intentions.
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend? The kind of guy who tries to win you over?
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love cuz he's in it.
And I want a Boyfriend, I want a Boyfriend,
I want all the secret old shit like letters and sodas."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6iYQB6nVwI
More fucking, Liz Phair style:
Supernova
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM60GAPIXTY&NR=1&feature=fvwp
"and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I just feel so liberated saying this over & over on my own blog. :)
"Even when I was 17...even when I was twelve."
And she kept telling it, in later songs like the below....
Divorce Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IktAMW2ui3I&feature=related
"and it's true that I stole your lighter
and it's also true that I lost the map
but when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
but if you'd known how that would sound to me
you would've taken it back
and boxed it up and buried it in the ground"
This song just happens to apply MUCH more to my life now!
"and the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
but if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
but you never been no waste of my time, it's never been a drag
so take a deep breath and count back from ten and maybe you'll be all right"
AND...speaking of unhealthy relationships and divorce, another song I'm loving lately also ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av3n
"we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap"
And full lyrics to Part 2 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B50RUXbs-8
Love The Way You Lie lyrics (Part II)
by Rihanna
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna]
Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right
‘cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna]
So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories
[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my f-ckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
Fuck & Run excerpt of lyrics:
"I didn't think this would happen again, no matter what I could do or say,
Just that I didn't think this would happen again, with or without my best intentions.
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend? The kind of guy who tries to win you over?
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love cuz he's in it.
And I want a Boyfriend, I want a Boyfriend,
I want all the secret old shit like letters and sodas."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6iYQB6nVwI
More fucking, Liz Phair style:
Supernova
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM60GAPIXTY&NR=1&feature=fvwp
"and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I just feel so liberated saying this over & over on my own blog. :)
"Even when I was 17...even when I was twelve."
And she kept telling it, in later songs like the below....
Divorce Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IktAMW2ui3I&feature=related
"and it's true that I stole your lighter
and it's also true that I lost the map
but when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
but if you'd known how that would sound to me
you would've taken it back
and boxed it up and buried it in the ground"
This song just happens to apply MUCH more to my life now!
"and the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
but if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
but you never been no waste of my time, it's never been a drag
so take a deep breath and count back from ten and maybe you'll be all right"
AND...speaking of unhealthy relationships and divorce, another song I'm loving lately also ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av3n
"we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap"
And full lyrics to Part 2 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B50RUXbs-8
Love The Way You Lie lyrics (Part II)
by Rihanna
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna]
Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right
‘cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna]
So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories
[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my f-ckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it
[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie
She Breaks My Siren
I will just let Tori speak for herself! It's better than my poetry, that's for sure. That's why she makes the big bucks and I am...only blogging. Apparently to little effect! Oh well, "Never was one for a prissy girl...Almost in love..."
Siren
~ Tori Amos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aD4egZFxw8
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And I lie some other day
You do
And you say girl
Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla
Vanilla
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you don't need the light on
To guide you through the southern lands
Go said go, yes
Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla...
Siren
~ Tori Amos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aD4egZFxw8
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And I lie some other day
You do
And you say girl
Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla
Vanilla
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you don't need the light on
To guide you through the southern lands
Go said go, yes
Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla...
Mourning
Going back even further, here's a poem I wrote in high school circa 1988 maybe, not sure exactly. But I do remember EXACTLY what it all felt like: my first love, first heartache and its passing, though in fact it took a long time to *pass* - took me almost until I got out of college, sadly. And even now I hear friends run into him in Seattle from time to time, and he still talks about me, which is weird. But flattering, nonetheless! :)
As *they* say, there's nothing quite like the first is there?
Mourning
I regretfully arise
to meet the day.
Cobwebs of dreams
cling to my mind and shadows
linger beneath my eyes.
My first breath of the
morning is used
to form his name.
I caress my cold shoulders
and remember warmer
days when the phone
would jangle
the seven A.M. stillness
and his first breath of the
morning would form
my name.
Time passes so slowly
when I am not asleep
and numb
and dreaming of the one
I have lost forever.
Love passes so slowly
when I refuse to see
it go
and I keep false hopes alive
though I know:
I must wake to an icy
realistic mourning
in which no phone rings to say
I love you too.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
And You Never Know
And You Never Know
originally written July 11th, 1991
when a song will come
on the radio
when you're in the back
seat of a car coming
home
when you're smoking
your last cigarette
for the evening
and you're in love
no longer
only a memory
remains
a feeling, a song, hope
for love
playing on the radio
and you're exhilarated
because you remember
this feeling
and the wind from the car
going much too fast
is blowing past
your hair and in
your face
it's still the same night wind
you've felt before but
you're not the same
and you cannot stop
to ask yourself why
it doesn't matter
because you're alive
and singing
this one song
(and you never know
when you're going to die)
and you...drift
leave yourself
back there
somewhere
with the stereo speakers
and floating in
the music that
plays most loudly
inside your head
don't even know exactly
where you are going
what car you're in
don't care
about
instead
only the song
that comes on the radio
that makes you
love again
originally written July 11th, 1991
when a song will come
on the radio
when you're in the back
seat of a car coming
home
when you're smoking
your last cigarette
for the evening
and you're in love
no longer
only a memory
remains
a feeling, a song, hope
for love
playing on the radio
and you're exhilarated
because you remember
this feeling
and the wind from the car
going much too fast
is blowing past
your hair and in
your face
it's still the same night wind
you've felt before but
you're not the same
and you cannot stop
to ask yourself why
it doesn't matter
because you're alive
and singing
this one song
(and you never know
when you're going to die)
and you...drift
leave yourself
back there
somewhere
with the stereo speakers
and floating in
the music that
plays most loudly
inside your head
don't even know exactly
where you are going
what car you're in
don't care
about
instead
only the song
that comes on the radio
that makes you
love again
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Song From My Sister
My sister sure can talk, baby, also. She wrote this in high school, about her, about me and about us being sisters together. And I absolutely love it! Also love the video taken by my husband when we visited Seattle in August of 2009, which I think is really really funny. Thanks David and thank you Stephanie, for being the best sister I ever could have had.
"You're too funny," she says to me in a playful mocking way. Her laugh settles into a heavy, stretching sigh. She's beaming at me with a mouth full of thick, ortho perfect ivory, reminding me of a white picket fence.
She continues the conversation and I can't help concentrating on the delicate, but firm sound of voice; the words ending with soft corners. Her short sturdy fingers press upon the stereo controls with swift, confident precision. A familiar tune rises from the fuzzy black speakers and we smile at each other with recognition. The room is glowing from the sweet smell of music and her childish display of happiness. Her head plays with the rhythm, bouncing left to right, and her golden brown curls tumble in every direction. Her face lights up, singing along and she's bending her knees to the beat.
The music wraps us with cotton memories. They turn whiter and fluffier over the years, but I faintly remember how coarse they once were. She was twelve and I was eight. Trapped in the same room, we had our separate illusions of privacy and "being older." We held a thick wall between us, to protect our dignity and individuality. But mine wasn't sturdy, and I often wanted to crawl to her side when mine became too silent. Flowers and beautiful music lingered among her wall and I had to strain my ears and my eyes to see them. Her Pink bedspread with yarn sewn hearts, looked across the room in shame, at my sickly yellow and green striped blanket.
My hair was never as full and curly, and my cheeks never shone the same rosy color. My eyes were brown beads, compared to her big blue ones. And my voice tripped awkwardly out of my mouth, smothered by the graceful melody of hers. She would pull Tiger out of my arms, because he was her cat and loved her more than me. I listened with aching envy to her share secrets on the phone, and leave for the movies with friends.
I suffered the unforgivable justice of being too young. But I loved my sister all the same with an unconditional admiration that was too powerful to drift into jealousy. And she loved me, with the older sister pride that was difficult for her to show. But I knew, watching her sing and dance in my room, smiling.
~ Stephanie Hirning
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Hold On
Do we take on our parents' troubles because we think we "owe" them? But what do we really owe them? Serious question....
They raised us, my sister Stephanie & I - crazingly-amazing girls with all this energy that they had no idea what to do with...they did the best they could, and this post is not about blaming. And yet...they didn't SEE us really and now? Really, now that we are finally finding ourselves and going to make our lives golden we have to take all this time & energy to nurse their worst fears and entertain their drama and engage in all this bullshit, REALLY?!
We will get through this, my current family crisis, and people will have to adjust, they will have to change, and it WILL be painful, I don't mean to down play that at all. But we (myself, my sister, my brothers) do not have to be the buffer for the pain of others, we do NOT have to absorb it if we just say No. (And a wise woman once told me "You don't have to be angry, to say No" - because I've been pretty white-hot ANGRY lately.)
I know, not "just" - it's never "just" anything. My mother in Seattle is dangerously close to ending up in a wheelchair, at the young-old age of 67, because she needs a knee replacement but her legs aren't strong enough for her to get one. And I/we haven't done "enough" (so the Extended-Family story goes or seems to be going).
And so I have her siblings calling me up (and my older brother too), saying how concerned they are, how she needs a stationary bike in her living room in addition to the physical therapy, and how oh my gosh "she doesn't seem to be taking care of her personal hygiene" - and I just want to SCREAM sometimes.
I cannot make my mother want to live. THAT is the awful truth. And I will not suffer needlessly for it. I flatly refuse. I say NO to feeling BAD about my mother & her choices. I just cannot do it and still have a Good Life of my own. I put the mask on (in the airplane, when the cabin loses pressure or oxygen goes out or whatever), on me first. Only then can I help anyone else. Do you understand?
A friend contributed this quote: "Things going 'wrong' are actually things going right." A friend who is having her own family struggles right now, so I know she knows something about this. But somedays I still struggle to see anything "right" about all this.
Hold On
~ Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know I’d do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
Oh God if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHBmpGLGyk8&ob=av2e
Good Enough
~ Sara McLachlan
Hey your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you
It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I’ve heard
It’s refreshing not to see
I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me
Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I have never been there for you
Don’t tell me why
Nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it’s ok
The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone
And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this
So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjKPJbtghvs
Perfect Girl
~ Sarah McLachlan
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laeln1XKjoU
They raised us, my sister Stephanie & I - crazingly-amazing girls with all this energy that they had no idea what to do with...they did the best they could, and this post is not about blaming. And yet...they didn't SEE us really and now? Really, now that we are finally finding ourselves and going to make our lives golden we have to take all this time & energy to nurse their worst fears and entertain their drama and engage in all this bullshit, REALLY?!
We will get through this, my current family crisis, and people will have to adjust, they will have to change, and it WILL be painful, I don't mean to down play that at all. But we (myself, my sister, my brothers) do not have to be the buffer for the pain of others, we do NOT have to absorb it if we just say No. (And a wise woman once told me "You don't have to be angry, to say No" - because I've been pretty white-hot ANGRY lately.)
I know, not "just" - it's never "just" anything. My mother in Seattle is dangerously close to ending up in a wheelchair, at the young-old age of 67, because she needs a knee replacement but her legs aren't strong enough for her to get one. And I/we haven't done "enough" (so the Extended-Family story goes or seems to be going).
And so I have her siblings calling me up (and my older brother too), saying how concerned they are, how she needs a stationary bike in her living room in addition to the physical therapy, and how oh my gosh "she doesn't seem to be taking care of her personal hygiene" - and I just want to SCREAM sometimes.
I cannot make my mother want to live. THAT is the awful truth. And I will not suffer needlessly for it. I flatly refuse. I say NO to feeling BAD about my mother & her choices. I just cannot do it and still have a Good Life of my own. I put the mask on (in the airplane, when the cabin loses pressure or oxygen goes out or whatever), on me first. Only then can I help anyone else. Do you understand?
A friend contributed this quote: "Things going 'wrong' are actually things going right." A friend who is having her own family struggles right now, so I know she knows something about this. But somedays I still struggle to see anything "right" about all this.
Hold On
~ Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know I’d do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
Oh God if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHBmpGLGyk8&ob=av2e
Good Enough
~ Sara McLachlan
Hey your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you
It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I’ve heard
It’s refreshing not to see
I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me
Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I have never been there for you
Don’t tell me why
Nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it’s ok
The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone
And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this
So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjKPJbtghvs
Perfect Girl
~ Sarah McLachlan
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laeln1XKjoU
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
You Always Hurt The One You Love
So, David & I recently watched the movie "Blue Valentine" and it completely broke both our hearts - but in a specific individual way for both of us....because despite however much we "merge" with the loved one, we always remain separate, individual, and ultimately alone.
David had a girlfriend long-ago who had an abortion, and he was there with her...I was always terrified of having to have one myself, but never did. But I was there holding hands of friends who did, and it was painful. In all meanings of that word.
And then there's just the routine pain (depicted so well in this movie), of love that gets worn-out over time - how we stop seeing each other and how we forget to love the best thing in each other, or at least want the best for the one that we love the most. And then, how we hurt them.
So....whatever you do, be sure to watch "Blue Valentine" with the one that you love - and hurt - the most!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM0A_yg8XjU
You Always Hurt The One You Love
~ words by Allan Roberts and music by Doris Fisher
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart la-ast night
It's because I love you most of all
You always hurt the one you lo-ove
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest ro-ose
And crush it till the petals fa-all
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So-o if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you mo-ost of a-all
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
Crush it, ti-ill the petals fall
You always brea-eak the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all...
Other versions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOCCq0gjvrE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cTxNlxPasw
David had a girlfriend long-ago who had an abortion, and he was there with her...I was always terrified of having to have one myself, but never did. But I was there holding hands of friends who did, and it was painful. In all meanings of that word.
And then there's just the routine pain (depicted so well in this movie), of love that gets worn-out over time - how we stop seeing each other and how we forget to love the best thing in each other, or at least want the best for the one that we love the most. And then, how we hurt them.
So....whatever you do, be sure to watch "Blue Valentine" with the one that you love - and hurt - the most!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM0A_yg8XjU
You Always Hurt The One You Love
~ words by Allan Roberts and music by Doris Fisher
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart la-ast night
It's because I love you most of all
You always hurt the one you lo-ove
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest ro-ose
And crush it till the petals fa-all
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So-o if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you mo-ost of a-all
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
Crush it, ti-ill the petals fall
You always brea-eak the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all...
Other versions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOCCq0gjvrE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cTxNlxPasw
Thursday, July 21, 2011
River & Tanya
I'll never forget how I got the bad news...letter from Alexa about our mutual friend who went to the Seattle Arboretum and took a shot-gun to her heart. And almost 16 years later, we still don't know exactly why she did it. RIP Tanya Lippe.
This song, from the time I heard the news, always makes me think of her...and my Dad, who died also (though not by his own hand), about a year later. The 15th anniversary of his death is coming up (7/24/1996), and so I can't help but think of it.
I love you both, I wish you were still here with us. Why did you go? I still don't understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E-Jd_HRoIU
"River"
by Natalie Merchant
Young & strong Hollywood son
In the early morning light
This star fell down
On Sunset Boulevard
Young & strong beautiful one
One that we embraced so close
Is gone
Was torn away
Let the youth of America mourn
Include him in their prayers
Let his image linger on
Repeat it everywhere
With candles with flowers
He was one of ours
One of ours
Why don't you let him be?
He's gone
We know
Give his mother & his father peace
Your vulture's candor
Your casual slander
You murder his memory
He's gone
We know
It's nothing but a tragedy
Lay to rest your soul and body
Lay beside your name
Lay to rest your rage
Your hunger and amazing grace
With candles, with flowers
You were one of ours
One of ours
I saw cameras expose your life
I heard rumors explode with lies
I saw children with tears
Cry and crowd around the sight
Of where you had collapsed that day
Where your last breath & word
Had been sighed
Where your heart had burst
And where you had died
Where you had died
I saw how they were lost in grieving
All half-believing you were gone
The loss and pain of it
Crime and the shame of it
You were gone
It was such a nightmare raving,
"how can we save him
From himself?"
Saw how they were lost in grieving
All half-believing you were gone
This song, from the time I heard the news, always makes me think of her...and my Dad, who died also (though not by his own hand), about a year later. The 15th anniversary of his death is coming up (7/24/1996), and so I can't help but think of it.
I love you both, I wish you were still here with us. Why did you go? I still don't understand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E-Jd_HRoIU
"River"
by Natalie Merchant
Young & strong Hollywood son
In the early morning light
This star fell down
On Sunset Boulevard
Young & strong beautiful one
One that we embraced so close
Is gone
Was torn away
Let the youth of America mourn
Include him in their prayers
Let his image linger on
Repeat it everywhere
With candles with flowers
He was one of ours
One of ours
Why don't you let him be?
He's gone
We know
Give his mother & his father peace
Your vulture's candor
Your casual slander
You murder his memory
He's gone
We know
It's nothing but a tragedy
Lay to rest your soul and body
Lay beside your name
Lay to rest your rage
Your hunger and amazing grace
With candles, with flowers
You were one of ours
One of ours
I saw cameras expose your life
I heard rumors explode with lies
I saw children with tears
Cry and crowd around the sight
Of where you had collapsed that day
Where your last breath & word
Had been sighed
Where your heart had burst
And where you had died
Where you had died
I saw how they were lost in grieving
All half-believing you were gone
The loss and pain of it
Crime and the shame of it
You were gone
It was such a nightmare raving,
"how can we save him
From himself?"
Saw how they were lost in grieving
All half-believing you were gone
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Love Song For A Vampire
Tonight, after watching the movie "Let Me In" (and having watched the original "Let the Right One In" on advice of my sister), I found myself telling my husband "If I were your vampire girlfriend, I would TOTALLY kill any bullies who beat up on you when you were a scared skinny 12 year old kid."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRAEVHq8E
Is that LOVE or something else entirely strange & twisted? :)
But either way, I do love me some Annie Lennox - her Love Song For A Vampire always takes me back to England, and probably informed some of my poetry from that time (see "The Taste Just Slips Away" blog post). I think Spring of 1993 is when the song (and related movie) came out. A long time ago but it feels still relevant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhG8zC4npsE
Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum.
It beats for you, it bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds.
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs.
Once I had the rarest rose that
ever deigned to bloom.
Cruel winter chilled the balm,
And stole my flower too soon
O loneliness, O hopelessness
To search the ends of time,
For there is in all the world
No greater love than mine.
Love....Still falls the rain.
Be mine forever...
Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold.
Now the floor of heav'n is laid,
Its stars of brightest glow.
They shine for you.
They shine for you.
They burn for all to see.
Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRRAEVHq8E
Is that LOVE or something else entirely strange & twisted? :)
But either way, I do love me some Annie Lennox - her Love Song For A Vampire always takes me back to England, and probably informed some of my poetry from that time (see "The Taste Just Slips Away" blog post). I think Spring of 1993 is when the song (and related movie) came out. A long time ago but it feels still relevant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhG8zC4npsE
Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum.
It beats for you, it bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds.
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs.
Once I had the rarest rose that
ever deigned to bloom.
Cruel winter chilled the balm,
And stole my flower too soon
O loneliness, O hopelessness
To search the ends of time,
For there is in all the world
No greater love than mine.
Love....Still falls the rain.
Be mine forever...
Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold.
Now the floor of heav'n is laid,
Its stars of brightest glow.
They shine for you.
They shine for you.
They burn for all to see.
Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free.
Sylvia
I don't exactly remember what
the voices were like in my head
that first semester of my final
year at the college I was
so lucky to attend.
I only remember that I felt distorted,
trapped in a bad dream
and scared to death
during that brief bell jar period.
But I had so many more choices
than she did! Was not expected
to conform to a certain model of
womanhood: marry a doctor and
start having armfuls
of cute
babies to fill a suburban home
immediately post-graduation.
And for this, I should have been
grateful, I should have been so
excited about the future and
completely sexually liberated,
feeling free, confident.
I should have been having
the time of my life and able
to make those next-year
career decisions, but instead
I couldn't even concentrate
on conversations I tried to have
in the women's locker room among
those irritatingly athletic voices
discussing everything to do
with the trivial & perky present:
papers we were writing, parties to go to,
our next game against Cal-Lutheran.
And at those endless soccer practices
there was so much exhausting
movement in that great green
sunlit expanse, and me just dying
to be lying down in beautiful
shadow of nearby trees
turning toward the dark side
of my nature, escaping
the Southern California heat
and smog and finally coming
to full sweet rest.
The Taste Just Slips Away
Series of poems I wrote while/after studying abroad in England - January to June, 1993. And some music from that time too.
Ride - Dreams Burn Down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5zTuVhNs5c
I
Breathing Places
Even though my heart hurts and
in places my skin pounds so
strongly that I am scared
I continue to breathe this smoke
and the scent on your neck.
I do not choke, despite the fear
for I am enchanted by this.
I take you into
a safe secret place
and if you will be
just what you are
you are welcome here.
And in these pounding moments
we talk-connect-see the world
whole and intact.
It shines on, despite the fear.
And we continue, and I am telling you
everything there is to know.
Even from within my sleep
my mind reaches for you
my hands touching
something sweet and brandnew
my tongue caressing
these thoughtful words and you
tracing your stories on my back
as we lie like spoons
and I begin to spin and lose
perception of the room
and ask you: please.
I did not expect but I wanted so much
to touch someone like this and be touched
like that, there, in places
that swell and tell all there is to know
about me
and shiver and tremble
despite the fact that I'm not cold or scared.
One hand hesitates and does not want to, and yet I do,
one part wants not to start
to find these places but it is already begun:
a dialogue, a connection, a conversation
between separate and different spaces.
And you are necessary, for
however many moments or months
we may have,
almost involuntary, like this pulse in my neck
the beating in my wrist, here:
feel this.
I breathe
and have no regrets.
II
In breathing places we talked
but we forgot the stories, misplaced the thought
we looked past the other’s shoulder
at anything more interesting outside
of whatever the lover
had to give inside this room.
That is when the conversation faltered
and the dialogue stopped.
I continue to breathe and feel my pulse but
we don't talk
about what happened in the darkness
we don't talk about what
darkness lies between us, when we love without
feeling love, what separation feels like after
white light and heat of fusion
and we don’t realize the chasm
we try, nightly, to bridge
we don’t recognize the darkness within us
that throbbing mass of life
a place so mysterious and hot to the touch
pounding with hunger and fear that makes
us bite each others skin, and fight
in the darkness every night
and soon it will be too much.
III
The Meanings of Words
Underneath the surface
of your skin
love tells me
that words have many
meanings, they resound
bound outside of their definitions
become throbbing muscle
in my head
like the beat, the drum in your neck
your wrists, your thumb, your hand
in the pretty oblivion of your bed
love tells me
about your skin, that paper-thin covering
your eyes, those inscrutable depths
that pound and echo
these words:
I love you.
And I have been
underneath the surface
of where I have lived
not telling you my light and darkness
not using these many-colored
words to etch upon your back
a picture
stained glass
of what I am and what I could
give and what I will leave
with you when I go
what sort of quiet, pounding thoughts
in your head.
And I forgot
to stop talking and listen
to your words, to everything
you said, what sort of love you had to give
and your memories of moments you have truly lived
and your dreams, tell me
can we make sense of this oblivion,
can we love each other, when we are outside
the lovely darkness of your bed?
I want so much
to transcend
what holds me underneath
the surface of your words
your skin, and love
which is a pretty monster
only inside my head.
So tell me everything
and I will tell you:
here is my many-colored heart,
here is my skin.
IV
Remember to Smell
it's an ache
it's a thought
which starts
above your lip
and goes on down
makes a trail like sweat
like memory but it doesn't
help me to truly remember
how it felt
impossible to place myself back there
in England, with you
when I am, undeniably in the U.S.
here, in this audience of patchouli
oil and beer and cigarettes
and so many people wanting
things to fly away, melt
so many people wanting things
to be unfelt
and I remember the feel of your sweat
but the memory doesn't
help me to truly remember
how it tasted and smelled and felt
the salt and skin
upon your neck
the tears upon your eyelids
that staring blame and silent threat
the smell remembers more than the memory:
deceit and disappointment smell like cigarettes
it's an ache
that wanting to go back
and do it better
wanting it all to be different
it's a thought
it's a regret
V
That Was the Thing I Forgot to Say
About how the rain sounded on the top
of the tent outside your window
of your dormitory on Jesus College campus
in Cambridge, England
the morning after the June ball
that all-night revelry, and dressing up
like we were royalty, or at least adults.
That was the morning after it all
and in the comedown and in the midst
of the (barely felt) loneliness
of two people
my voice filled in the quiet spaces
and to my ears sounded slightly self-indulgent,
even arrogant but I couldn't
stop because I love it:
those moments, not ever recorded
only remembered sometimes with the help of music:
a dark, imagining space sounding
across years.
But even the music doesn't remember
how it felt
the coffee-cigarettes-and-beer we consumed
how we consumed each other
and the way we talked
only the poetry I wrote, about all of it
remembers how
the taste of your room smelled
remembers only this:
two bodies touching, turning, hearts sounding
like thunder in our ears.
I hear it in my dreams sometimes
my voice, arrogant, with the rain coming down
(no tears, this is barely felt)
full from this flood of conversation
my voice, smooth and spilling over into spaces
filling the memory
with how good the lonely last taste of you felt.
Ride - Taste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APqGzOD0fUk
Ride - Dreams Burn Down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5zTuVhNs5c
I
Breathing Places
Even though my heart hurts and
in places my skin pounds so
strongly that I am scared
I continue to breathe this smoke
and the scent on your neck.
I do not choke, despite the fear
for I am enchanted by this.
I take you into
a safe secret place
and if you will be
just what you are
you are welcome here.
And in these pounding moments
we talk-connect-see the world
whole and intact.
It shines on, despite the fear.
And we continue, and I am telling you
everything there is to know.
Even from within my sleep
my mind reaches for you
my hands touching
something sweet and brandnew
my tongue caressing
these thoughtful words and you
tracing your stories on my back
as we lie like spoons
and I begin to spin and lose
perception of the room
and ask you: please.
I did not expect but I wanted so much
to touch someone like this and be touched
like that, there, in places
that swell and tell all there is to know
about me
and shiver and tremble
despite the fact that I'm not cold or scared.
One hand hesitates and does not want to, and yet I do,
one part wants not to start
to find these places but it is already begun:
a dialogue, a connection, a conversation
between separate and different spaces.
And you are necessary, for
however many moments or months
we may have,
almost involuntary, like this pulse in my neck
the beating in my wrist, here:
feel this.
I breathe
and have no regrets.
II
In breathing places we talked
but we forgot the stories, misplaced the thought
we looked past the other’s shoulder
at anything more interesting outside
of whatever the lover
had to give inside this room.
That is when the conversation faltered
and the dialogue stopped.
I continue to breathe and feel my pulse but
we don't talk
about what happened in the darkness
we don't talk about what
darkness lies between us, when we love without
feeling love, what separation feels like after
white light and heat of fusion
and we don’t realize the chasm
we try, nightly, to bridge
we don’t recognize the darkness within us
that throbbing mass of life
a place so mysterious and hot to the touch
pounding with hunger and fear that makes
us bite each others skin, and fight
in the darkness every night
and soon it will be too much.
III
The Meanings of Words
Underneath the surface
of your skin
love tells me
that words have many
meanings, they resound
bound outside of their definitions
become throbbing muscle
in my head
like the beat, the drum in your neck
your wrists, your thumb, your hand
in the pretty oblivion of your bed
love tells me
about your skin, that paper-thin covering
your eyes, those inscrutable depths
that pound and echo
these words:
I love you.
And I have been
underneath the surface
of where I have lived
not telling you my light and darkness
not using these many-colored
words to etch upon your back
a picture
stained glass
of what I am and what I could
give and what I will leave
with you when I go
what sort of quiet, pounding thoughts
in your head.
And I forgot
to stop talking and listen
to your words, to everything
you said, what sort of love you had to give
and your memories of moments you have truly lived
and your dreams, tell me
can we make sense of this oblivion,
can we love each other, when we are outside
the lovely darkness of your bed?
I want so much
to transcend
what holds me underneath
the surface of your words
your skin, and love
which is a pretty monster
only inside my head.
So tell me everything
and I will tell you:
here is my many-colored heart,
here is my skin.
IV
Remember to Smell
it's an ache
it's a thought
which starts
above your lip
and goes on down
makes a trail like sweat
like memory but it doesn't
help me to truly remember
how it felt
impossible to place myself back there
in England, with you
when I am, undeniably in the U.S.
here, in this audience of patchouli
oil and beer and cigarettes
and so many people wanting
things to fly away, melt
so many people wanting things
to be unfelt
and I remember the feel of your sweat
but the memory doesn't
help me to truly remember
how it tasted and smelled and felt
the salt and skin
upon your neck
the tears upon your eyelids
that staring blame and silent threat
the smell remembers more than the memory:
deceit and disappointment smell like cigarettes
it's an ache
that wanting to go back
and do it better
wanting it all to be different
it's a thought
it's a regret
V
That Was the Thing I Forgot to Say
About how the rain sounded on the top
of the tent outside your window
of your dormitory on Jesus College campus
in Cambridge, England
the morning after the June ball
that all-night revelry, and dressing up
like we were royalty, or at least adults.
That was the morning after it all
and in the comedown and in the midst
of the (barely felt) loneliness
of two people
my voice filled in the quiet spaces
and to my ears sounded slightly self-indulgent,
even arrogant but I couldn't
stop because I love it:
those moments, not ever recorded
only remembered sometimes with the help of music:
a dark, imagining space sounding
across years.
But even the music doesn't remember
how it felt
the coffee-cigarettes-and-beer we consumed
how we consumed each other
and the way we talked
only the poetry I wrote, about all of it
remembers how
the taste of your room smelled
remembers only this:
two bodies touching, turning, hearts sounding
like thunder in our ears.
I hear it in my dreams sometimes
my voice, arrogant, with the rain coming down
(no tears, this is barely felt)
full from this flood of conversation
my voice, smooth and spilling over into spaces
filling the memory
with how good the lonely last taste of you felt.
Ride - Taste
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APqGzOD0fUk
Tired of the Gender Politics of Things
Soooooooo....things today are unfortunately not so different from 1994, when I wrote this (or maybe 1960s when dear Anne wrote hers), that I feel it's still relevant to post this.
I was tired of being a woman,
tired of the spoons and the pots,
tired of my mouth and my breasts,
tired of the cosmetics and the silks.
There were still men who sat at my table,
circled around the bowl I offered up.
The bowl was filled with purple grapes
and the flies hovered in for the scent
and even my father came with his white bone.
But I was tired of the gender of things.
-Anne Sexton
I was tired of being a feminist
tired of the rooms of my own and the endless
impassioned yet ineffectual talks,
tired of my voice and my fists,
tired of the plain face and the frump.
There were still books that sat at my table,
circled around the mind I offered up.
The mind was filled with plans and goals
and the world waited for the changing
and even my father expected me to do that work.
But I was tired of the politics of things.
-Michele Hirning
I was tired of being a woman,
tired of the spoons and the pots,
tired of my mouth and my breasts,
tired of the cosmetics and the silks.
There were still men who sat at my table,
circled around the bowl I offered up.
The bowl was filled with purple grapes
and the flies hovered in for the scent
and even my father came with his white bone.
But I was tired of the gender of things.
-Anne Sexton
I was tired of being a feminist
tired of the rooms of my own and the endless
impassioned yet ineffectual talks,
tired of my voice and my fists,
tired of the plain face and the frump.
There were still books that sat at my table,
circled around the mind I offered up.
The mind was filled with plans and goals
and the world waited for the changing
and even my father expected me to do that work.
But I was tired of the politics of things.
-Michele Hirning
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Ruminating on Love
Ruminating on the "fact" that
we as human beings, like
cows, aren't supposed to eat
grains, should eat at least
something like grass - he's
so sure he's right and I am
so fragile like glass
I can't breathe
it feels like he's always
stepping on me, forcing
his opinions to be
and sometimes taking over all
the space in conversations
But frail at the same time
like the bones in his wrist
while searching for the third
seat belt in the backseat for
my friend and he can't find it
and is less than sure
and I suddenly love him
again
And he makes me
chicken soup when
I can't eat, rubs my
back when I can't sleep
and I don't want to leave
him yet I can't take
the criticism, the anger out of
nowhere like my father
the feeling that he's trying to
control or change me and
I'm never good enough, when
I always try and have such
good intentions
I am just struggling to survive
these days, this world with all
its danger and want my heart
intact and never to go back
to such vulnerability again
we as human beings, like
cows, aren't supposed to eat
grains, should eat at least
something like grass - he's
so sure he's right and I am
so fragile like glass
I can't breathe
it feels like he's always
stepping on me, forcing
his opinions to be
and sometimes taking over all
the space in conversations
But frail at the same time
like the bones in his wrist
while searching for the third
seat belt in the backseat for
my friend and he can't find it
and is less than sure
and I suddenly love him
again
And he makes me
chicken soup when
I can't eat, rubs my
back when I can't sleep
and I don't want to leave
him yet I can't take
the criticism, the anger out of
nowhere like my father
the feeling that he's trying to
control or change me and
I'm never good enough, when
I always try and have such
good intentions
I am just struggling to survive
these days, this world with all
its danger and want my heart
intact and never to go back
to such vulnerability again
Monday, July 11, 2011
Gone Baby Gone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WI-bHenF3L0&feature=related
"Where I Stood"
by Missy Higgins
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
My riff on this song and because of all that I am thinking in my life right now, is that....
all I know is that I know who I am
I am a woman & I have
a woman's body
a woman's legs & breasts
a woman's life
a woman's memory & mind
a woman's heart
that, as wonderful a man
as you truly are
you don't always
understand
but we fight
each other
and we fight
to understand
each other
and keep this love going
as long as we can make it
until one day
we will both
be gone
************************************
More Missy Higgins - song called Warm Whispers ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZthGfwQnTI
Your warm whispers
Out of the dark they carry my heart
Your warm whispers
Into the dawn they carry me through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Your warm whispers
Letting me drown in a pool of you
Your warm whispers
Keeping the noise from breaking through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Yeah I'm weeping warm honey and milk that you
Stay surround me, surrounding me
Honey stay surrounding me
And a hyperlink below to a compilation on YouTube with a great live version of the above song...she is SO like a young Aussie Tori Amos I almost can't believe it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KixC3qTvWjg&feature=autoplay&list=AVGxdCwVVULXerbUl3oWF3UjkKPmb-R5mW&index=6&playnext=6
The power of "and you're gone and you're gone and you're gone and you're gone" just haunts me. And it just goes on & on...
Hence the title of this slightly bizarre blog post - sorry that I'm sort of ripping off the title of a great movie! But creative license and all that, you know? Hopefully it's not trademarked....
"Where I Stood"
by Missy Higgins
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do
'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood
My riff on this song and because of all that I am thinking in my life right now, is that....
all I know is that I know who I am
I am a woman & I have
a woman's body
a woman's legs & breasts
a woman's life
a woman's memory & mind
a woman's heart
that, as wonderful a man
as you truly are
you don't always
understand
but we fight
each other
and we fight
to understand
each other
and keep this love going
as long as we can make it
until one day
we will both
be gone
************************************
More Missy Higgins - song called Warm Whispers ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZthGfwQnTI
Your warm whispers
Out of the dark they carry my heart
Your warm whispers
Into the dawn they carry me through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Your warm whispers
Letting me drown in a pool of you
Your warm whispers
Keeping the noise from breaking through
And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me, surrounding me
Yeah I'm weeping warm honey and milk that you
Stay surround me, surrounding me
Honey stay surrounding me
And a hyperlink below to a compilation on YouTube with a great live version of the above song...she is SO like a young Aussie Tori Amos I almost can't believe it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KixC3qTvWjg&feature=autoplay&list=AVGxdCwVVULXerbUl3oWF3UjkKPmb-R5mW&index=6&playnext=6
The power of "and you're gone and you're gone and you're gone and you're gone" just haunts me. And it just goes on & on...
Hence the title of this slightly bizarre blog post - sorry that I'm sort of ripping off the title of a great movie! But creative license and all that, you know? Hopefully it's not trademarked....
Saturday, July 9, 2011
And now for something completely political
On July 6th, some members of Congress sponsored the introduction of HR 2411, the "Reduce America's Debt Now Act of 2011."
HR 2411 states that every worker in America should be able to voluntarily have a portion of his/her wages automatically withheld and sent directly to the Treasury Department for the purposes of paying down the federal debt. WOW. How do they come up with this stuff?!
"Every employer making payment of wages shall deduct and withhold upon such wages any amounts so elected, and shall pay such amounts over to the Secretary of the Treasury..."
Even better: HR 2411 stipulates that any contribution made to the Treasury in order to pay down the federal debt IS NOT TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
"The [Treasury] Secretary shall include. . . a reasonably conspicuous statement that any amounts deducted and withheld from wages. . . are not deductible as charitable contributions for Federal income tax purposes."
There's a great quote from Atlas Shrugged that I think of:
"[W]hen you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing; when you see that money is flowing to those who deal not in goods, but in favors; when you see that men get rich more easily by graft than by work, and your laws no longer protect you against them, but protect them against you. . . you may know that your society is doomed."
HR 2411 states that every worker in America should be able to voluntarily have a portion of his/her wages automatically withheld and sent directly to the Treasury Department for the purposes of paying down the federal debt. WOW. How do they come up with this stuff?!
"Every employer making payment of wages shall deduct and withhold upon such wages any amounts so elected, and shall pay such amounts over to the Secretary of the Treasury..."
Even better: HR 2411 stipulates that any contribution made to the Treasury in order to pay down the federal debt IS NOT TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
"The [Treasury] Secretary shall include. . . a reasonably conspicuous statement that any amounts deducted and withheld from wages. . . are not deductible as charitable contributions for Federal income tax purposes."
There's a great quote from Atlas Shrugged that I think of:
"[W]hen you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing; when you see that money is flowing to those who deal not in goods, but in favors; when you see that men get rich more easily by graft than by work, and your laws no longer protect you against them, but protect them against you. . . you may know that your society is doomed."
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Song to the Siren - whatever it was - it was GOOD
I've loved this song since I first heard it at about 16 years old (I think).
Elizabeth Fraser - all dreamy dance-about-love, mystical can't-remember-what-I-thought, when-I-first-heard this song, but whatever it was - it was GOOD. Still don't know for sure what it all MEANS, but have some ideas & some internet-contributed thoughts about all that too below...with the original sang by someone named Tim Buckley? Have you ever heard of him, me neither, but I apparently know him now. :)
"Song to the Siren"
~ by This Mortal Coil/Cocteau Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mUmdR69nbM
On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
" Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow. "
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
I guess this is the original, by Tim Buckley, I never knew before now, but lyrics changed some, as some comments say ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMTEtDBHGY4
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3458764513820543170/
...the actual symbolism and lyrical content is derived directly from Homer's book the Odessey. But it's really a matter of unresponded love. It is also one of the most covered/remade/remixed songs ever.
The real magic of the song is in those last two lines. Singing to the siren who enticed him and broke him, the sailor becomes a siren himself, enticing her to swim out and return to him. Breathtakingly perfect.
In greek mythology sirens are female deities who draws ships to shipwreck. I think this song closely relates to this mythology. Tim makes it sound so mystical and this is one well written song.
I heard james yorkston's version and thought it was good then found out it was a tim buckley song, listened to it and....... WOW!!! so much emotion. we can all relate as well. who hasn't been lured on to the rocks by a beautiful siren, left there and then begged for a second chance. its about falling for someone who doesn't reciprocate the emotion, maybe feeling used at the end of it all.
And Robert Plant's rendition - meh, not so in love with it but he tried ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKaNksCdSI0
Elizabeth Fraser - all dreamy dance-about-love, mystical can't-remember-what-I-thought, when-I-first-heard this song, but whatever it was - it was GOOD. Still don't know for sure what it all MEANS, but have some ideas & some internet-contributed thoughts about all that too below...with the original sang by someone named Tim Buckley? Have you ever heard of him, me neither, but I apparently know him now. :)
"Song to the Siren"
~ by This Mortal Coil/Cocteau Twins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mUmdR69nbM
On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.
And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."
Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?
Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
" Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow. "
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?
Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."
I guess this is the original, by Tim Buckley, I never knew before now, but lyrics changed some, as some comments say ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMTEtDBHGY4
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3458764513820543170/
...the actual symbolism and lyrical content is derived directly from Homer's book the Odessey. But it's really a matter of unresponded love. It is also one of the most covered/remade/remixed songs ever.
The real magic of the song is in those last two lines. Singing to the siren who enticed him and broke him, the sailor becomes a siren himself, enticing her to swim out and return to him. Breathtakingly perfect.
In greek mythology sirens are female deities who draws ships to shipwreck. I think this song closely relates to this mythology. Tim makes it sound so mystical and this is one well written song.
I heard james yorkston's version and thought it was good then found out it was a tim buckley song, listened to it and....... WOW!!! so much emotion. we can all relate as well. who hasn't been lured on to the rocks by a beautiful siren, left there and then begged for a second chance. its about falling for someone who doesn't reciprocate the emotion, maybe feeling used at the end of it all.
And Robert Plant's rendition - meh, not so in love with it but he tried ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKaNksCdSI0
Sunday, July 3, 2011
My Wedding Day
It's gonna be so great
It's gonna be so great
It's gonna be just like my wedding day
~ Rosie Thomas "Wedding Day"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGSfHn0CxCk
I love this, my sister's speech as Maid of Honor at my wedding, a long long time ago. 8 years ago on Tuesday actually, in fact. It was a great day, but what made it great was the people we loved who were there. And my sister's speech is all about that love.
It was a beautiful day, July 5th 2003 and this is what Stephanie said:
When Michele was five or six she had this really cute conversation with our Dad all about the injustices of life. Fortunately it was recorded on audio-tape and it’s become a great family joke, or treasure I should say. There is even a t-shirt you can buy (made by David Hirning) with a famous quote from that recorded conversation. Michele will show you – It says, “It’s not very good, really.”
This conversation was about our older brother David having nicer things – a better colored bike, better legos etc., and getting to stay up later at night. I think this moxy – as my dad would say – continues in Michele. Throughout her life she has questioned the way things are, stood up for herself and what she believes, and lived justly.
This is evident through her work with feminist organizations, nurses union, nonprofit volunteer groups, the subjects of study she’s pursued…But mostly this is clear through how much she loves her family and friends, how much she shows this, and how much she strives for perfection in her life. She’s my super-sister and whether she’s aware of it or not she’s always helped me to be a better person.
Another person who lives this way is David Munroe. The two of them are great thinkers with an enormous amount of energy for life. This makes for a lot of intensity. You can feel it. It’s all around them and around our family, I think. It’s from this intensity that beautiful things grow. I know they will continue to live with great intensity and love and I’m glad that I get to experience this through observing them and being a part of them.
I said earlier that Michele helps me to be a better person. I just wanted to say that all of my siblings do this. David Hirning reminds me to work hard like our dad and to pursue things that interest me in life. Chris reminds me to be humble and real and kind. And Michele reminds me to be a great thinker, to share, and to live justly. These are just a few of the things that I love about them.
In this audio-recorded conversation between Michele and our dad, Michele says she wishes she were adopted into a new family. The thing that is so precious is the way they are communicating in this moment, the caring way our dad is listening to her and discussing her list of complaints. “List” is the correct word – in the conversation she actually numbers her grievances – “#1 David has a better bike, #2 David gets a bigger allowance, #3 My legos are lost, #4 I have to sleep with Stephanie and she snores sooo loud (whine), #5 David gets to stay up to like 10 or 11 at night.”
One thing I’ve always felt in my family is that I can be completely honest, like Michele is being so honest in this conversation about her wishes for adoption into a new family. This is very freeing to feel you can be so honest. I’m grateful for the closeness that allows that to be possible. I know that that closeness exists for Michele and David Munroe as well. And I’m grateful to be able to be here today to celebrate it with them.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Debris Of Days at Work
"You can't have your cupcake and eat it too" ~ Michele Hirning, May 2011
(about project deadlines and timelines & priorities - and just after co-worker Kelli's baby shower, at which there were beautiful cupcakes)
Michele - "It would be like opening up Pandora's breadbox" (based on "I think it will be bigger than a bread box" and "it would be like opening up Pandora's box" ~ Iyad, VP of Engineering)
"I think the system will choke to infinity!" ~ again Iyad
Michele - "it's not my fault" & "I did my best" - you just can't expect requirements to be perfect! Only GOD is perfect, after all.....
(about project deadlines and timelines & priorities - and just after co-worker Kelli's baby shower, at which there were beautiful cupcakes)
Michele - "It would be like opening up Pandora's breadbox" (based on "I think it will be bigger than a bread box" and "it would be like opening up Pandora's box" ~ Iyad, VP of Engineering)
"I think the system will choke to infinity!" ~ again Iyad
Michele - "it's not my fault" & "I did my best" - you just can't expect requirements to be perfect! Only GOD is perfect, after all.....
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Bad Blog Post
Its silly, no?
When a rocket blows
And everybody still wants 2 fly
Some say a man aint happy, truly
Until a man truly dies
Oh why, oh why, sign o the times
Time, time
Sign o the times mess with your mind
Hurry before it's 2 late
Lets fall in love, get married, have a baby
Well call him nate... if it's a boy
~ Prince "Sign O'The Times"
You wanna live in this lousy world? You play it cool.
~ "Cool" West Side Story
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go, this desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation, revelation
In temptation, isolation, desolation
~ "Bad" by U2
I look at FaceBook photos of friends who just had babies and think something like "oh great, congratulations! new baby - yay!" but then can't help but think "...and welcome baby as the next generation of misery...."
God how was I so warped into such routine matter-of-course negativity?
Or am I just twisted inside as a happily married woman who'll willfully not have children? Is it really just me & my choices all along?! I have a blog post I want to do about "Aging as a Woman Without Children" as I approach 40. Only one more year to go now! (Staring down the gun barrel of 40: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_barrel.)
Yet I also wonder - will anyone really care?!
But I do wonder seriously, how can you have a baby these days and not stop to think...at least for a moment, before evolutionary instincts to reproduce take over...about so many things - melting ice-caps and economies doing likewise, and shootings and public education in complete shambles - ADHD and the parents on anti-anxiety/depression meds when they aren't self-medicating the old-alchoholic-fashioned-way....everyone way too busy and distracted, by keeping up with daily life, how fast everything is moving these days, and then there's things like "social media" - oh FaceBook, Twitter, LinkedIn, how we love you.
And how nothing seems to be getting any better. Does it seem to be getting any better to you?!
When a rocket blows
And everybody still wants 2 fly
Some say a man aint happy, truly
Until a man truly dies
Oh why, oh why, sign o the times
Time, time
Sign o the times mess with your mind
Hurry before it's 2 late
Lets fall in love, get married, have a baby
Well call him nate... if it's a boy
~ Prince "Sign O'The Times"
You wanna live in this lousy world? You play it cool.
~ "Cool" West Side Story
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go, this desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation, revelation
In temptation, isolation, desolation
~ "Bad" by U2
I look at FaceBook photos of friends who just had babies and think something like "oh great, congratulations! new baby - yay!" but then can't help but think "...and welcome baby as the next generation of misery...."
God how was I so warped into such routine matter-of-course negativity?
Or am I just twisted inside as a happily married woman who'll willfully not have children? Is it really just me & my choices all along?! I have a blog post I want to do about "Aging as a Woman Without Children" as I approach 40. Only one more year to go now! (Staring down the gun barrel of 40: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_barrel.)
Yet I also wonder - will anyone really care?!
But I do wonder seriously, how can you have a baby these days and not stop to think...at least for a moment, before evolutionary instincts to reproduce take over...about so many things - melting ice-caps and economies doing likewise, and shootings and public education in complete shambles - ADHD and the parents on anti-anxiety/depression meds when they aren't self-medicating the old-alchoholic-fashioned-way....everyone way too busy and distracted, by keeping up with daily life, how fast everything is moving these days, and then there's things like "social media" - oh FaceBook, Twitter, LinkedIn, how we love you.
And how nothing seems to be getting any better. Does it seem to be getting any better to you?!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
