Another Year

"Another Year" ~ K's Choice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iOAgDBPUr8
I wish you could adore
The way you did before
Now you're living through another year
Oh, the light you were
Will soon become a blur
As you're living through another year
Oh, what a waste of time it is
To indulge inside of bliss
Getting ready for another year like this
Another year to lie
Another year goes by
You're not sick, so you can't heal
But I wonder do you feel
The need to cry: 'I'm out of here'
Oh, your goal is safe
But is it all you crave
As you're living through another year
Oh, what a waste of time it is
To indulge inside of bliss
Getting ready for another year like this
Another year to lie
Another year goes by
Is it me who cannot see
The face of mediocrity
I try to smile you see
Your lightness darkens me
Filter all of your emotions.
Fake you're never low
Or face the one you fear
You're living through another year
Another year to lie
Another year goes by 

Thanksgiving Panhandle Roadtrip made us Ready for a Tropical Christmas

The loves to love the loves to love the loves to love...

MADAME GEORGE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrOgYjp20j0
Down on cyprus avenue
With a childlike vision leaping into view
Clicking, clacking of the high heeled shoe
Ford & fitzroy, madame george
Marching with the soldier boy behind
Hes much older with hat on drinking wine
And that smell of sweet perfume comes drifting through
The cool night air like shalimar
And outside theyre making all the stops
The kids out in the street collecting bottle-tops
Gone for cigarettes and matches in the shops
Happy taken madame george
Thats when you fall
Whoa, thats when you fall
Yeah, thats when you fall
When you fall into a trance
A sitting on a sofa playing games of chance
With your folded arms and history books you glance
Into the eyes of madame george
And you think you found the bag
Youre getting weaker and your knees begin to sag
In the corner playing dominoes in drag
The one and only madame george
And then from outside the frosty window raps
She jumps up and says lord have mercy I think its the cops
And immediately drops everything she gots
Down into the street below
And you know you gotta go
On that train from dublin up to sandy row
Throwing pennies at the bridges down below
And the rain, hail, sleet, and snow
Say goodbye to madame george
Dry your eye for madame george
Wonder why for madame george
And as you leave, the room is filled with music, laughing, music,
Dancing, music all around the room
And all the little boys come around, walking away from it all
So cold
And as youre about to leave
She jumps up and says hey love, you forgot your gloves
And the gloves to love to love the gloves...
To say goodbye to madame george
Dry your eye for madame george
Wonder why for madame george
Dry your eyes for madame george
Say goodbye in the wind and the rain on the back street
In the backstreet, in the back street
Say goodbye to madame george
In the backstreet, in the back street, in the back street
Down home, down home in the back street
Gotta go
Say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Dry your eye your eye your eye your eye your eye...
Say goodbye to madame george
And the loves to love to love the love
Say goodbye
Oooooo
Mmmmmmm
Say goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye to madame george
Dry your eye for madame george
Wonder why for madame george
The loves to love the loves to love the loves to love...
Say goodbye, goodbye
Get on the train
Get on the train, the train, the train...
This is the train, this is the train...
Whoa, say goodbye, goodbye....
Get on the train, get on the train...
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/v/van+morrison/madame+george_20143132.html

Much Better to Be The Leaver Than the Left

I had my last day today at HPS - HealthPlan Services - and I couldn't be happier to leave it.  On my own terms.  

They often say, you don't know what you have until it's gone.  And I have experienced that myself in the past (witness my feelings about NM, after I left!), and so I don't take leaving lightly.  But I don't think I'll feel that this time.  Not by a long shot!

Because more layoffs are coming, you can feel it like a tremor in the earth signifying earthquake...or aftershock.  Because the first schism happened a while ago with the first round of layoffs, and then the second, almost two months ago, and forgive me if I don't want to be around for the third.

I was mostly honest in my exit interview today but I don't think they want to hear it.  The current leadership takes that "flattened earth" approach and so they will devastate whatever they need to for the bottom line.  I think I'm lucky to get out with my skin alive!

Not to make it all sound so Armageddon, but you know, these things do feel dramatic sometimes.  And personal.  :)

And so, I quote Kurt Vonnegut and add my own little poetic twist:
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, 'It might have been.'”
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/98330-of-all-the-words-of-mice-and-men-the-saddest
If must-needs be
and can be deft
much better to be the Leaver
than the Left

"The Show" Must Go On

I've always loved the movie "Moulin Rouge."  It portrayed a certain adolescent drama and angst I guess I've always identified with - as silly as that may sound - and these sound-bites perfectly express it ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOCcuPcfTHc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s12XiAOtjcg
    
It's been over 4 months now that I've had my new job in Tampa and I talked with such rose-colored glasses about how great it was.  How we were "going to the show."

Truth is that we've had this great 2 bedroom apartment for months and I haven't done Yoga in the extra room set aside for Yoga.  Not even once.

Truth is the company I thought was so great (we moved up here because of it, after all), has had TWO rounds of layoffs now and I don't know exactly why I have survived them but I know I could be next.  It might just be a matter of time.  And meanwhile I have survivor's guilt and that place is so chaotic I can barely believe it.

Perhaps it would be a relief to be let go?  Careful what you wish for, I know.

Soooooooooooooooo "the show must go on" - I must keep a happy face on and see if I can survive it - October 1st deadline, fucking Affordable Care Act and Obama's will to carry it out.

Or find another place I can call work home.

A Little Anne Lamott for You...

I recently randomly picked up this little book at my new local library.  New to me, but also a nice new building, complete with community/senior center, playground, park and running paths, it was a little bit surprising to find all this tucked behind the super-busy main street with its strip-malls of pawn shops, discount super-markets, smoke-shops etc. 

I was so excited that day to get my Hillsborough County library card and it was so easy!  :)  The below excerpt is from one of the first books I checked out, tellingly.

My belief is that when you're telling the truth, you're close to God.  If you say to God, "I am exhausted and depressed beyond words, and I don't like You at all right now, and I recoil from most people who believe in You," that might be the most honest thing you've ever said.  If you told me you had said to God, "It is all hopeless, and I don't have a clue if You exist, but I could use a hand," it would almost bring tears to my eyes, tears of pride in you, for the courage it takes to get real - really real.  It would make me want to sit next to you at the dinner table.

So prayer is our sometimes real selves trying to communicate with the Real, with Truth, with the Light.  It is us reaching out to be heard, hoping to be found by a light and warmth in the world, instead of darkness and cold.  Even mushrooms respond to light - I suppose they blink their mushroomy little eyes, like the rest of us.

Light reveals  us to ourselves, which is not always so great if you find yourself in a big disgusting mess, possibly of your own creation.  But like sunflowers we turn toward light.  Light warms, and in most cases it draws us to itself.  And in this light, we can see beyond shadow and illusion to something beyond our modest receptors, to what is way beyond us, and deep inside.

This is all hard to articulate, because it is so real, so huge, beyond mystery.  Rumi said that all words are fingers pointing to the moon, and we think the words are the moon.  But because of the light, the light of love, the energy and motion that have called us to prayer, bits of this deeper reality are perceivable, and little bits of it will have to do.

My three prayers are variations on Help, Thanks, Wow.  That's all I ever need, besides the silence, the pain, and the pause sufficient for me to stop, close my eyes, and turn inward.
~ Anne Lamott
Help, Thanks, Wow
pg. 6-8

Channeling Marilyn Monroe

This Vanity Fair article from 2010 resurfaced recently, for me:
http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/features/2010/11/marilyn-monroe-201011

And it reminds me all over again how this fellow Gemini of mine, tortured soul, amazing person never got her full due while she was still on this planet.  And how she remains this mystery we sometimes wonder about.  And somehow iconic.

The VF article has wonderful photos, many of which show Marilyn reading: "If some photographers thought it was funny to pose the world's most famously voluptuous 'dumb blonde' with a book - James Joyce!  Heinrich Heine! - it wasn't a joke to her.  In these newly discovered diary entries and poems, Marilyn reveals a young woman for whom writing and poetry were lifelines, the ways and means to discover who she was and to sort through her often tumultuous emotional life.  And books were a refuge and a companion for Marilyn during her bouts of insomnia."

As someone who has struggled with sleep herself, I can understand how awful insomnia can be.

The article goes on to describe "She was having trouble sleeping, relying on barbiturates.  On Parkside House stationary, she wrote one night after Miller had gone to bed:
on the screen of pitch blackness
comes/reappears the shapes of monsters
my most steadfast companions...
and the world is sleeping
oh peace I need you - even a 
peaceful monster."

This wonderful, beautiful, and misunderstood woman once wrote this poem about her third (and final), husband Arthur Miller:
my love sleeps beside me -
in the faint light - I see his manly jaw
give way - and the mouth of his
boyhood returns
with a softness softer
its sensitiveness trembling
in stillness
his eyes must have look out
wonderously from the cave of the little
boy - when the things he did not
    understand -
he forgot

but will he look like this when he is dead
oh unbearable fact inevitable
yet sooner would I rather his love die
than/or him?~ Marilyn Monroe

I have a poem somewhat like this, or at least part of it.  I already posted it here, but in a much different context ~
http://www.yousurecantalkbaby.blogspot.com/2009/07/and-i-dont-think-war-is-noble-and-i.html

It echoes what she wrote, at least in the first paragraph or two, but then turns darker like she did too.
There are places in each other
that we can never touch.

Lying next to him
among the white sheets
and plump pillow cases
where we love,
I place one hand
on the white skin
where the shirt achingly
pulls up
and look at him, little-boy-like
deep in his afternoon of sleep
face flushed and comforted
some sweet peach vision
taking shape beneath his eyelids.

There are moments with each other
that it seems we can never overcome.

Standing next to him
among clenched fists
and crossed arms on the balcony
where we battle,
I forget the sweetness
and see only ages of combat
and strange back streets
where dark things slink
around corners,
when the gorgeous
enormous language
we use, becomes booted
and repulsive -
wiping mud on the sheets
where elegant lust
turns to a brutish club.

These particular nights
and early morning hours
when the blood runs
there's a swift blade to
separate us - it hangs
in the balance of our
angry words and we
are both just begging
to have it be done.

These two sad goats
butting heads
and bleating at the sun
are nothing like
our puppy love
our licking and sniffing
and protecting each other,
when we can lay down
at each others' feet
with a big sigh
after another long day's run.

Relocating our Lives to Tampa: Going to "The Show"

As I started my new job on April 29th I had a phrase in my head that I shared only with David.

It was based on the fact that we were looking to relocate our lives to Tampa, because my new job was so promising, and the prospect of me making that 1+ hour commute (the + depending on traffic patterns and the all-too-frequent accidents), every day was simply untenable.

Given that Tampa is a MUCH bigger city and has a lot more going on than sleepy little Sarasota, my phrase was "We're going to The Show."  As in Tampa is the Major Leagues, whereas Sarasota is - undeniably - just the Minors.  Shades of "Bull Durham" (a great movie), which is where I think I first heard the phrase ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va75XqWO6sY

We talked about down-sizing from 2 bedrooms to 1, but the lure of having a whole room I could make over as my own private yoga studio (D. still wants it as his office but we'll see), was too much.  So we have ourselves a great 2 BDR apartment just 3.8 miles (door-to-door) from my work.  I love it.

It's on a ridiculously busy street but set back from all the hecticness so that you can still feel like you are "home" and safe, can breathe.  Has a pool, like our last apartment, and much bigger nicer fitness room (which I hope to use someday).  And it's gated, which is new & strange, but we are getting used to that as well.

I seriously love my new job, and so the moving is worth it.  And, after MONTHS of job-hunting, David finally got something up here too.  He starts his new job on 7/29 and I can't wait - not only cuz he's about doubling his income and the increase will help with expense of having two apartments for almost two months + some expenses with house we still, regretfully, own "up north."

ALSO because he really needed to find something new, something that will challenge him in new ways.  My taking this job in Tampa spurred him on to find that next horizon and he can thank me later. :)

After all the horrible moving is done.  He says he'll really miss Sarasota, but I can't relate, because I so love Tampa.  I love everything about it, and even the traffic doesn't get me down, because I figure it's all part of the experience!  Check back with me in 6 months though.  

Moving is exhausting. But at least we were able to do it at a leisurely pace and without having to hire movers.  We took our final loads from our old to our new apartment tonight, and we are done!

Except for we have to figure out how to get the washer/dryer set I bought for $100 from a co-worker long ago (what a great deal that turned out to be!), out to the curb or otherwise disposed of, before our actual move-out date of 7/31.  When we will have to pay an "opt out" fee amounting to two months rent because of breaking our lease.  A LOT of money but still worth it!!!

Worth it, because "We're going to The Show" baby.

How Sweet Life Is...

I know how sweet it can be....
the goodness of an almost
summer evening
light falling
outside the window
eyelids almost shut
almost dreaming
almost hearing
happy
shouts of children
in their innocence
like when you
were young
and you remember
being young
and sweet
but now you are
older and almost
sleeping
sweet
sleep
life
is sweet

This song is here to keep you warm, and strong

REM - Untitled (Track 11 from the album Green)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUs6x-v2A0k
 
This world is big and so-awake
I stayed up late to hear your voice
This light is here to keep you warm
This song is here to keep you strong

I made a list of things to say
But all I really want to say
All I really want to say is
Hold her and keep him strong
While I'm away from here
Hold her and keep her strong
While I'm away from here

I've seen the world and so-awake
And stay up late to hear me sing
Just hold her
I've seen the world and so-awake
And stay up late to hear me sing
Just hold him
Hold her and keep her strong
While I'm away from here
Hold him and keep him strong
While I'm away from here

Lyrics:
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3458764513820549333/

A Kind of Love Song

"Undressed"
by Lloyd Cole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drJAVl64Yd8

You look so good when you're depressed
Better even in your current state of undress
Tears caressing me like rain
And I'm not even thinking, I feel fine in your pain
The coolest thing I ever saw
You were sitting there smoking my cigarettes
You were naked on the bare stone floor
You looked at me to say don't guess
I was only watching, yes I love you more undressed
Is it really such a sin?
Should I feel some kind of shame?
Will I truly go to hell?
Oh you never lock the bathroom door
Should I be embarrassed when I've seen a hundred times before
How do married couples cope
Should I say excuse me darling, I don't know
We could disconnect the telephone
Just sit around and mess around
And tell your ma we went to rome, tennessee
And I'm not even drinking, I feel fine, it's scary
Is it really such a sin?
Should I feel some kind of shame?
Will I truly go to hell?
Oh well
The coolest thing I ever saw
You were sitting there smoking my cigarettes
You were naked on the bare stone floor
You looked at me to say don't guess
I was only watching, is it bad that I should love you best
Undressed
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/l/lloyd+cole/undressed_20084719.html

There's so much to do in the sunlight...As We Go Along

This song from an early mixed tape from  old boyfriend, recently ported from tape to CD by my wonderful sister, the archivist!

"As We Go Along"
by The Monkees

I can tell by your face
That you're looking to find a place
To settle your mind
And reveal who you are
And you shouldn't be shy
For I'm not gonna try
To hurt you or heal you or steal your star
Open your eyes
Get up off your chair
There's so much to do in the sunlight
Give up your secrets
Let down your hair
And sit with me here by the firelight
Why think all about
Who's gonna win out
We'll make up our story as we go along
There's so little time
For us to try to rhyme
And so many highways to travel upon
Open your eyes
Get up off your chair
There's so much to do in the sunlight
Give up your secrets and let down your hair
And sit with me here by the firelight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWLasUfJnWs

She Was An American Girl

American Girl ~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5ccVWbteps

When I was about to graduate
from college, I had no idea
what was
happening.

I didn't plan for it to end,
I was always good at school
but outside, in "the real world"
any bravery I had was a total act.

When I was young
I always thought
I'd grow up
to be a dancer,
an actress,
a singer, or a writer.

It was all so easy in the abstract.

I climbed trees and hunted treasure in garbage dumpsters.
I wanted to be a horse so I could run forever.
I never wanted to be a princess.

I had a romance with my cat (he was my first boyfriend).
I made up stories and songs that I never wrote down.

And some I did, while discovering
a new language
better than this old
one I had inherited.

When I was young
my father used to say I was ten
going on twenty-one - I was never
young enough for him
I guess.

When I was young
(I was never young)
I never thought I'd grow up
to be this:  older
and sure of less.

I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will

Young and Beautiful
by Lana Del Rey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBJY3Extw1I

I've seen the world

Done it all

Had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant and Bel-Air now.

Hot summer nights, mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

I've seen the world

Lit it up

As my stage now

Chanelling angels in

The new age now

Hot summer days, rock and roll

The way you'd play for me at your show

And all the ways I got to know

Your pretty face and electric soul

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

Dear Lord, when I get to heaven

Please let me bring my man

When he comes tell me that you'll let him

Father tell me if you can

Oh that grace, oh that body

Oh that face makes me wanna party

He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful

Will you still love me when I'm not young and beautiful


Complete lyrics: http://www.directlyrics.com/lana-del-rey-will-you-still-love-me-lyrics.html

I'm Breaking Through

I think I really am...I could be wrong but I feel like
I'm bending spoons/I'm keeping flowers in full bloom...or something :)


"The Great Beyond"
by REM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKbMKgaPHCI
I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can't believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There's a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond

Fearless

A 1993 movie by that name once meant a lot to me ~
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fearless_%281993_film%29
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm5jBa4LzxQ

I watched it when it first came out and loved it...loved especially the music, discovering something new.  To a person practically foreign to all classical music or opera or anything truly cultured (yes, I blame my parents), it was AMAZING.

It captivated me, I was overwhelmed, and completely taken - emotionally - by the music of Gorecki ~
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symphony_No._3_%28G%C3%B3recki%29
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDNfQ4ok8EY

I had this music in my head, sang or hummed it under my breath, and in my heart I was holding onto it while I was barely hanging on to myself - so deathly afraid of the future - but carried on as if I wasn't.  This was my wonderful & awful final college semester (Spring, 1994).   

Dramatic time that it was, this melody felt right to me.  Or perhaps I was just drunk a lot during that time, and over thinking everything. :)

Either way, I still remember that time with this music and the wonderful movie that embodied it for me.

But also, one of the major things this song/movie brings up for me is my father - how he died so young, and so suddenly (http://www.yousurecantalkbaby.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-music-died-part-one.html), how I showed this movie to David (boyfriend at the time, husband now), and cried and cried, and how he understood, didn't think there was anything strange about my behavior or wrong with me. 

That is probably when I *knew* (I knew like you know about a good melon ~ quote from another great movie - "When Harry Met Sally").  

So I could tell anyone if they should ask "how do you know when to trust someone with your heart?"  How do you know when to be "Fearless" in that way? 

I would say, when you can watch a movie about a guy who almost dies in a plane crash but he lives and you're crying about your dad who died, and it makes no sense but that person you're with holds you and doesn't talk or question but just witnesses your grief, smoothing hair off your face, while you maybe hiccup a bit and are a snotty mess.

Yes, true love does look something like that. :)

The Still Voice Inside Me, Sings This Song

The Stills - Of Montreal
The falling free on, it's turning me on
It drips on the street, the sun cries from the heat
I love feeling beat, I'll kiss the lipstick on your teeth

Friends getting old, we all dig for gold
The crumbs and pieces, the dead mess in the sink
Turning me on, Turning me on

The night's so happy, the base drum heavy
The photo glossy, the people pretty
Turning me on... [4x]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAA_yyeuPKM
Lyrics ~ http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/stills/ofmontreal.html

Pretty Feet

I have pretty feet.
It's not my fault
nor my achievement.
I may have been born
with them.

I have a husband
who likes my pretty feet
and various other
parts of my body.

It's my body
but it's not my fault
nor my achievement.
I was born with it.

I have a husband
who likes my mind
and various other
parts of my personality.

It's my mind, my choices
and it's my fault
and my achievement.
I made it what it is.

I have a husband
who has a son
and various other
kinds of baggage.

I have a bank account
it's my money
and my choices
and it's my fault.

I should never have
taken on a man
with a child.

I should have never
let it go this far.

I have a life
a body
pretty feet
and all these
choices.

Song that helped inspire the poem, at least in part ~
Put Your Pretty Dress On
by Rosie Thomas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XMxwyBBywc
Blog post with full lyrics: http://www.yousurecantalkbaby.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html

Atlas Shrugged - for you

I wrote the friend from whom I copied
the equality symbol, on FaceBook

she and I used to be diametrically opposed
in our political views.

She Republican and Conservative/me Democratic and Liberal

once upon a time, in college

such a long time ago....

I found myself writing her/waxing eloquent
about the equality symbol:

"I love you for this! 
My old Republican nemesis

how we argued in the WU (Women's Union)

do you remember?

I will always think Atlas Shrugged for you."

this references the conservative tome

by Ayn Rand she made me read

Atlas Shrugged and I made her read

The Women's Room

by Marilyn French

equally polemic

it was our agreement

to read each others' books

and we talked

about it afterwards

do you remember?

it only takes a moment

but it takes forever

slight connection with the
Yoga Anatomy I am learning

loving, that small circle you
can make with your head

mindfully....slowly

it only takes a moment

but it takes forever


to exercise the Atlas - the topmost vertebra

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlas_%28anatomy%29
"In anatomy, the atlas (C1) is the most superior (first) cervical vertebra of the spine.


It is named for the Atlas of Greek mythology, because it supports the globe of the head.


The atlas is the topmost vertebra, and – along with the Axis – forms the joint connecting the skull and spine. The atlas and axis are specialized to allow a greater range of motion than normal vertebrae. They are responsible for the nodding and rotation movements of the head.


The atlanto-occipital joint allows the head to nod up and down on the vertebral column.

The dens acts as a pivot that allows the atlas and attached head to rotate on the axis, side to side.


The Atlas' chief peculiarity is that it has no body, it is ring-like, and consists of an anterior and a posterior arch and two lateral masses.


The Atlas and Axis are important neurologically because the brain stem extends down to the Axis."

do you remember?

it only takes a moment

but it takes forever

MYM (My Yoga Month)

April - My Yoga Month (MYM)…as I started calling it, a couple weeks before it actually began - almost as a joke - is not turning out quite as expected or as I had wanted it to.  (But, therein probably lies the lesson.)

It started with me teaching Chair Yoga at my work, which has been going beautifully!  It's only 15 minutes at a pop, but I think people are getting a lot from it, most noticeably some much-needed relaxation.

Seems like everyone in the U.S. (if not the world), is a stress-case these days (including me), even though for most of us folks working at Jackson Hewitt, the busiest time of year is now over (Tax Season).  Thank God!

Tax Season was actually.really.really.awful.  Worse than I would have thought, which is to say, in fact - BRUTAL.

That first Chair Yoga session was Tuesday April 2nd so I started MYM off well…I was reading The Science of Yoga every night, which is a great book.  http://www.amazon.com/Science-Yoga-Risks-Rewards/dp/1451641435/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366162989&sr=1-1&keywords=the+science+of+yoga

In fact, it’s so informative and insightful I felt like it was making me become a better teacher with every paragraph and page I read.  I normally turn down a lot of pages as I read (even, regretfully do this on library books), to mark certain passages I want to return to, and this book - which I own so can beat up as much as I want, with no guilt - is massively dog-eared by now.

But I couldn’t get myself started on my own reinvigorated home-practice via the other yoga book I recently purchased, called Moving Toward Balance: 8 Weeks of Yoga With Rodney Yee - http://www.amazon.com/Moving-Toward-Balance-Weeks-Rodney/dp/0875969216/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366159650&sr=8-1&keywords=moving+toward+balance+8+weeks+of+yoga+with+rodney+yee

My excuse was I didn’t have all the props I needed at home.  But really it was/is my own laziness, and how all the rest of life intervened, and that's ALSO no excuse but there it is.  More on that below.

MYM continued with a wonderful "Twist into Spring" workshop the first weekend of April, at MTS ("Moving Toward Stillness") yoga studio ~ http://www.movingtowardstillness.net/index.html

This is the studio where I started teaching last Fall, and shortly after I finished the 200 hours Yoga Teacher Training (YTT).  My wonderful *boss* and mentor Elaine led the workshop and I was able to just be a student, and enjoy all she had to teach, for a blissful 3 hours...I think I snored in svasana. :)

The following weekend - interspersed by more chair yoga sessions, I think they like the calming music & aromatherapy + 3 mins meditation at the end - it was a full one and 1/2 days of teacher training, down in Naples, FL at Bala Vinyasa Yoga Studio.

"The Mastery of Teaching Gentle and Basic Yoga."
http://www.bvyoga.com/Default.aspx

I had NO idea what I was getting into, having not been to this studio before, but took a chance based on the workshop description.  And it also turned out beautifully.  I had the Best.YogaWeekend.Ever. 

I learned SO much that I want to turn toward my classes, and take further....all of which will probably be side-lined for at least a little while, due to the impending change - reason why I've been so stressed out lately, and feel life has intervened with my plan to do more daily yoga - which is that...I've taken a new full-time job! 

Up in Tampa so involves an hour commute but pays A LOT better and no more crazy tax-season to endure.  Will probably have to endure lots of other crazy, but at least not that! :)  Cue the song by Meat Loaf ~ I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GNhdQRbXhc

New job starts 4/29 and here's hoping it's the right move...it FEELS right so far...

MYM will continue this coming weekend, with the first all-YTT social event since we all got together at Thanksgiving.  Hosted by yours truly, at my apartment complex pool for a cookout/pool party.  I am so looking forward to seeing all my fellow yogis, hearing about how life for them has also been great or hard, maybe wonderful, but maybe stressful or even awful, as much as or more than me.

How life has intervened with their daily yoga practice also (or not), and their future yoga plans.  And I look forward to telling them all about my upcoming job change.  Because some of them saw me miserable about job-stuff at Thanksgiving and challenged me to fix, change or accept it.  I feel I did all three.  I feel, in fact, triumphant!

MYM will conclude with an Ashtanga Yoga workshop the last weekend in April, which I am - purely - dreading.  It's at ReFlex Arts, where I got all Yoga-Teacher-Trained so that helps me be more comfortable, but we didn't do Ashtanga in our training and I've never done it before. 

This type of yoga is as strenuous as Bikram (which I have done), but maybe more so (see video hyperlink below).  Yikes!  How the HELL do they DO those crazy poses?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUgtMaAZzW0

God help me but I'm trying it, and the day after is first day at my new job, Monday April 29th, the official end of MYM (even though the calendar DOES contain a day beyond that, obvs). :)

So, if I hobble into my new place of employment all sore & aching from Ashtanga - and I present badly because of it - at least I'll have a good excuse!  And I'll blame it all on Yoga - and MYM.

It Keeps Me Warm (My Love - My Love - My Love)

"Same Love"
MACKLEMORE & RYAN LEWIS - feat. MARY LAMBERT 
When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay
'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight
I told my mom tears rushing down my face
She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k tripping"
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don't know

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we're saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all
But it's a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it's all the same love
About time that we raised up

And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can't change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I'm not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind
Lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/macklemore/samelove.html

Video & Song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0&feature=youtu.be

All You Need is (there can never be too much) I and Love and You

I and Love and You
by The Avett Brothers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrsgIEBwIZM

Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but its just a waste of time
Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the travelers stage
All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you

http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/the+avett+brothers/I+and+Love+and+You/

A Lost Wallet and a (Yogic) Lesson

I was trying to tell my husband something about yoga philosophy tonight, when he was looking for his wallet (and he never loses anything, least of all something as important as that), and was this close to finding it, as we drove back to his office where he was SURE he had left it, as he had rushed out the door earlier in the evening....

I said that I suspected he would be SO happy (and relieved) to find his wallet and then be so UNhappy about something else, before we knew it.

I talked about this transitory happiness, this "being made happy" by external things and how we don't have to be slaves to that (there is a higher happiness and peacefulness), don't have to fall into that patterned way of thinking and being.

And how this is a yogic lesson, if he/we would only take it...

We came home (wallet in full possession) and I persisted with these thoughts...how the un/happy meter changes and what made us happy a moment ago - almost in an instant - no longer makes us happy because circumstances have changed, and something else takes its place.  I'm not sure he *got* it but still, it was fun (for me) to try out an *application* (let's say), for some of what I am learning with yoga philosophy! 

And so I quote the Yoga Sutras ~
"If we are sad over a minor discomfort and all of a sudden receive a telegram saying our business has suffered a tremendous loss, we immediately forget the small problem.  The attention is instantly transferred.  So everything is relative.  Every experience in the world is mental.  We might put our minds onto something and think, "This is really great," but once our attention goes somewhere else, that thing becomes nothing to us.  That is the reason for the Sanskrit expression, "Mana eva manushyanam." "A man is according to his mind." pg. 117 The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoga_Sutras_of_Patanjali

It's Not Up To You - It Never Really Was

"It's Not Up To You"
by Bjork
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdSiYa6hX1w

I wake up
And the day feels
Broken
I tilt my head
I'm trying to get an angle
'Cause the evening
I've always longed for
It could still happen

How do I master
The perfect day
Six glasses of water
Seven phonecalls

If you leave it alone
It might just happen
Anyway

It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Well it never really was
It's not up to you

If you wake up
And the day feels
Ah broken
Just lean into the crack
(Just lean into the crack)
And it will tremble
Ever so nicely
Notice
How it sparkles
Down there

I can decide
What I give
But it's not up to me
What I get given
Unthinkable surprises
About to happen
But what they are

It's not up to you
Well it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh it never really was
It's not up to you
Oh, me, share
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
Oh, it never really was
It's not up to you
Well, it never really was
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
It's not up to you
It's not up to you

There's too much
Clinging
To peak
There's too much
Pressure

Lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bjork/itsnotuptoyou.html

My Visit

Hello Dallas - Fort Worth
hi my margaritas - frozen, with salt
hopefully in a splendid glass

Here it's
hello horizon
really good Mexican
food, the talk-talk-talk
we do together and

so much laughter
while we drive around
on copious Dallas freeways
where I hope we won't crash

We were both - growing up -
too much     too young    too fast

Now she has a nice apartment
with sweet boyfriend
Anatomy & Physiology
class and a doctor's appointment
while I have quiet
sitting at Starbucks
with a good novel to finish

The Space Between Us about
India, about loyalty and love
about gender and class

The things that bind me
to my sister are much too
vast to be captured
in a poem, about my visit
to a state even
as large as Texas

I Hate My Sister

I am really excited to see my sister, when I go to visit her a week from this Friday!  And, obvs I don't really hate her, but it's still a great song... :)

An old blog post w/video comes to mind and just has to be shared, again!
http://www.yousurecantalkbaby.blogspot.com/2011_07_01_archive.html

Juliana Hatfield "My Sister"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cer5n10rXAg
My sister... My sister... My sister.

I hate my sister, she's such a bitch.
She acts as if she doesn't even know that I exist.
But I would do anything to let her know I care.
But I am only talking to myself 'cos she isn't there.

My sister...
I love my sister, she's the best.
She's cooler than any other girl that I have ever met.
She had the greatest band, she had the greatest guy.
She's good at everything and doesn't even try.

(Chorus)
She's got a wall around her nobody can climb.
She lets her ladder down for those who really shine.
I tried to scale it, but to me she's blind.
So I lit a firecracker, went off in my eye.

I miss my sister, why'd she go?
She's the one who would have taken me
To my first all-ages show.
It was the Violent Femmes and the Del Fuegos,
Before they had a record out. Before they went gold,
And started to grow.

I miss my sister. I miss my sister.
I miss my sister. I really miss her.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/juliana+hatfield/my+sister_20076531.html

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Not to be TOO bipolar here but this is how I truly feel, when things are going well between me and David.  It does sometimes *happen* ~

Let Me Count The Ways
by Yoko Ono  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA2CTqWkmmo

Let me count the ways how I love you

It's like that gentle wind you feel at dawn

It's like that first sun that hits the dew

It's like that cloud with a gold lining telling us softly

That it'll be a good day, a good day for us

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Let me count the ways how I miss you

It's like that oak tree in my childhood garden

It's like that first summer I spent in Egypt

It's like that warm evening you read to me

Both knowing deeply

That it's a good time, a good time for us

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Let me count the ways how I see you

It's like that lake in the mountain you heard about

It's like that autumn sky that stays so blue

It's like that air around me that holds me gently

Whispering strongly that you're always there, always for me

Thank you, thank you, thank you
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/john_lennon_yoko_ono/let_me_count_the_ways.html

Like I'm Made of Glass/Like I'm Made of Paper

Does it make me extra-damaged or just pathetic (or more interesting maybe), that I sometimes feel this way about my own marriage/husband?

Just the tearing down part and only sometimes, let's be clear...when we fight, which can be brutal...and happened tonight so I'm really just venting!  Not really wanting to be more interesting....

But I truthfully FEEL like this sometimes - "like I'm made of glass/like I'm made of paper" - like I can't defend myself and I need to stand up - like a Skyscraper, a la Demi Levato. :)

"Skyscraper"
by Demi Levato
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
 
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
 
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
 
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/demilovato/skyscraper.html

YogaStrange

I had the best YogaDay today. 

There was a woman making sex noises in my 10am Hot Power Yoga class, which kinda cracked me up.

But also got me to thinking: could yoga be *better than sex*?  I've been reading the Yoga Sutras lately and so I wonder...

I know the immediate answer: depends what yoga, depends what sex. :) 

She was really enjoying her poses though, let me tell you and I had to admire (on some level), her enjoyment and lack of inhibitions.

But there was a guy there for his very first yoga class...I also wonder what the hell HE thought?!  Fortunately, he was there with his girlfriend who is going through a new session of the same Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) I did last summer.  So, I assume she explained it to him later.  I would like to have heard that conversation though.  

Then I stuck around after class to talk to the teacher who also assists in the YTT program and has become my friend.  I love this woman, she is my hero largely because she makes a full-time living teaching yoga and working at the studio.  She was a literature major in college, and I love talking to her because I feel we have so much in common.

Not just yoga and books but also some life experiences and strengths/weaknesses.  And, maybe because she loves to read, she also tells great stories! 

Today she told me about how this past week she had a disgruntled student in one of her yoga classes.  This man was large in size (think tall, not necessarily rotund), and walked in with an attitude, asking for - or rather demanding - free yoga classes because he had shown up for class earlier in the week and the doors to the studio were locked, for some reason.

He was very sure something was owed to him for some affront, and so he came into the class with a certain energy, let's say, that didn't really work for anyone around him. 

It went from there...she told me about how she tried to handle the situation, talking reasonably to this gentleman, and when it spiraled out of control & he wouldn't leave the safe space of the yoga sanctuary that he was threatening, she finally had to call the cops. 

The cops at a yoga studio!

God, that's strange.  And kinda funny, unless you were in the midst of the altercation as my yoga-teacher-friend was.  I think (from what I heard, second-hand), that she handled it beautifully.  I can't imagine what I would have done.

I can barely handle just figuring out how to teach with confidence when I have sweet students who tell me afterwards what a great class it was!  (This happened just yesterday, and bless that one student, for I am still so uncertain and want very badly to be a good yoga teacher but have so little time and energy to give to it...)

She and I talked about what it must be like to be a yoga teacher in a real city (which Sarasota just, isn't), where you never know what problems can walk off the street and plop down onto a mat in your class and you have to handle it.  It made me think that YTT might need to include some sessions on how to handle *the general public* who can show up in your classes, which can include the one-off strange person who doesn't seem to get it.

That we are all there to experience some peace & calm & stillness...not have a bizarre fight about free classes.  All I have to say to someone like that is ~ with incredible loving-kindness and sympathy ~ get some help, and Namaste MotherFucker, but stay out of my yoga classes!  :)

Heartlessly Helping Himself to Her Bad Dreams

I would hope that anyone who is married for more than a few years can feel me when I say how hard it can be.  How we truly try to stay in touch with each other but it isn't easy.  We have so much going on, so much that gets in the way of true emotional intimacy.  So just love as much as you can, and communicate love, and stay there fiercely.   

Helplessly Hoping

by Crosby Stills & Nash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tw7hk_Hd1M

Helplessly hoping her harlequin hovers nearby
Awaiting a word
Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit he runs
Wishing he could fly
Only to trip at the sound of goodbye

Wordlessly watching he waits by the window and wonders
At the empty place inside
Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams he worries
Did he hear a good-bye?
Or even hello?

They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other

Stand by the stairway you'll see something certain to tell you
Confusion has its cost
Love isn't lying it's loose in a lady who lingers
Saying she is lost
And choking on hello

They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other

We've Gone Down So Far, But I Don't Want It

I Don't Want It
by Ween 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoAJolzI5Ms  

Did we miss the moon?
I'd lie in your arms if I could
Such a common pain
Repeats itself again and again

Flowers grow in the springtime and leaves fall from the trees
I've been gone for so long, you just threw away the keys
I understand it, but I don't want it

I know it so well, you tripped me and I laughed when you fell
This isn't how it should be
I've let you drift so far, from me

But please hold onto the memories
Before we really crash and burn
We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn
I understand it, but I don't want it  

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/ween/i-dont-want-it.html