Long ago, it must be

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was

A time of innocence, A time of confidences

Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph

Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

“Bookends” ~ by Simon and Garfunkel

It’s Christmas Time Pretty Baby

But I don’t feel very Christmas-y. Because my mother is dying and that is all I can think of, sometimes. 

So, a beautiful song to share that is decidedly not festive, but still associated with this time of year. May you all be merry and bright this season! 

Or at least have some contentment and peace, and extra time with people you love. ❤️ Because that is literally all that matters, in the end.

River - originally by Joni Mitchell but sung brilliantly in the show “The Politician” by Ben Platt

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

But it don't snow here

It stays pretty green

I'm going to make a lot of money

Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me

You know, he put me at ease

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle

I'm selfish, and I'm sad

Now, I've gone and lost the best baby

That I ever had

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Baby

 https://youtu.be/-cx-aNvvzPk

Whispered something in your ear
It was a perverted thing to say
But I said it anyway
Made you smile and look away

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

When we dance in my living room
To that silly '90s R&B
When we have a drink or three
Always ends in a hazy shower scene

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

And we laugh into the microphone and sing
With our sunglasses on, to our favorite songs

And we're laughing in the microphone and singing
With our sunglasses on, to our favorite songs

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Gregory Steven Gonzalez

Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby lyrics © Peermusic Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Be Brave

The day after running my 3rd half marathon 3 weekends in a row, my sore muscles and I got on a (non-stop thankfully) flight to Seattle to see my mother Judy who recently went on hospice care, and to spend what very well could be our last holiday together, as our little 5 person family.

It’s dismaying how fast she has declined! And purely amazing to me how painful it is, to watch a parent grow more and more infirm, helpless, and to see her cognitively disappear a bit more with each visit. Thanksgiving was my fourth trip to Seattle this year, which was more than usual but necessary with the house sale. This visit we moved her to a much smaller facility, where she’ll get the higher level of care she now needs, unfortunately.

I feel like someone should have warned me, about how hard this would be - I feel like I missed the memo that might have helped me to prepare!

I feel in a way that it’s completely unfair, that after enduring the sudden hiking accident death of our Dad all those years ago, we are now subjected to this slow-mo demise of our mother. But I also know that many families have endured far greater hardship and that given the prevalence of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia, we are not alone in such misery. 

Still, it’s hard not to be somewhat self-centered in this pain.

It’s just that I selfishly can’t quite believe that during this wonderful time in my life, when I feel so personally powerful, so healthy & strong not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, hell even financially! which I thought would never happen (having only recently caught up with where I probably should be for retirement savings), I am facing my mom’s impairment on all these levels, where I finally feel like I’m hitting my stride (to use, of course, a running metaphor).

And I want to turn away from it, bury my head in the sand, break down, bargain, deny. But I know I have to face it, I have to be brave, or at least try.