Remember when you were young...

Shine On You Crazy Diamond (I-V)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SqFPNTBnv8

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

The Cure - For the Moment

Can't beat songs that remind you of being 13 years old...especially when you want to escape the present.  Let's just call it "the Cure" for this moment in my life.

Six Different Ways
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouitmsVcXqY
This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give them more and more

I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give the world and more
They think I'm on my hands and head
This time they're much too slow

Six sides to every lie I say
It's that American voice again
It was never quite like this before
Not one of you is the same

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

Push
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3f39iMhAM
Go go go
Push him away
No no no
Don't let him stay

He gets inside to stare at her
The seeping mouth
The mouth that knows
The secret you
Always you
A smile to hide the fear away
Oh smear this man across the walls
Like strawberries and cream
It's the only way to be

Exactly the same clean room
Exactly the same clean bed
But I've stayed away too long this time
And I've got too big to fit this time...

Warm.Dry.Safe.Loved

It was Summer of 2008 and David and I were doing the "try it" period on the land we had bought in Southeastern Alaska, just a year prior.  It's hard to describe the landscape there, how raw and rough it is.  Much like the Puget Sound area I grew up with - all rocks and water and non-deciduous evergreen trees, but imagine it, like, 100 years earlier.  That much rougher and undeveloped.  Picture Pioneer Days. :)

It's also hard to describe the landscape of my emotion for the mini-life experiment we were undertaking.  I so wanted this to be the "answer" we were looking for, in our quest for a life outside of regular parameters...a life of peace and quiet, no more corporate jobs, 9-5 grind, we could do yoga everyday, no commute or dry-cleaning, no more frickin panty-hose!  I put a lot of pressure on myself, even before we got there to make this thing work.  And it just didn't.

We took three weeks precious vacation and flew from Milwaukee, WI to Ketchican, AK. We took the float-plane from there to the "city" of Craig on Prince of Wales Island and then a taxi to the town of Klawock, where we settled in at a B&B for the night.  I remember being worried about going out to our land the next day, and barely sleeping the whole night.  

I was that anxious.

And any feeling of "vacation" was over when the next day we quickly claimed the used boat friends of ours had arranged for us and then (unfortunately) bought a brand-new outboard motor and (thankfully) managed to get out to the land we had purchased on Wadleigh Island, an outer island to Prince of Wales Island, without killing ourselves on the rocks that seem to spring up out of the water, like new discoveries, depending on the hour and corresponding tide.  (You are ruled by the tides, when you live on the water like that.)

We ended up staying in the "cabin" on our land on Wadleigh Island (more of a hunting shack than anything, with no running water, no electricity & no toilet), for less than a full week it was so uncomfortable, after the inflatable bed we bought wouldn't actually um, stay inflated and we were so cold and the mice running nearby our heads nearly drove me insane.  Turns out I wasn't quite the "happy camper" I thought I could be, and the deprivations were far too much for me, despite my best intentions.

Defeated, we retreated to the "mainland" Prince of Wales Island, where we found a hunting lodge/RV park with little cabins that were LUXURY compared to what we'd been dealing with...I'd never been so grateful for a space-heater and hot water, soft bunk beds with warm sleeping bags, and not being stranded out on an island so far away from anyone who could help you if you twisted your ankle on a rock or lost your boat to the tides. 

We made a few more trips out to our land, but it was clear by then that it was too far from anything called "civilization" and it wasn't going to work for us, long term.

What I realized through all of this is that I don't necessarily need to escape my corporate job and be truly "free" because all I REALLY want is comfort.  After the worst night we had, I remember thinking clearly "All I want is to be Warm and Dry.  Safe and Loved."  That is not too much to ask is it?

My life had been reduced to these few basic elements, fundamental needs we all have, and I was so grateful when they could be met.  A little bit like anyone who has been through a hurricane or other natural disaster.  That is what my experience showed me, in a real way I will never forget.  How basic our needs are.  How we get lost sometimes when we want more.