I Wanted You to Go

but you were never really here 

sad still-packed-from-the-last 

separation boxes in the 

spare bedroom until 

you made them disappear

a sense of an ending 

in these last few months 

a sense of doom

despite all the work we’ve done 

with all its costs, the upheaval 

of one more false start

and my heart, my heart 

can hardly bear this loss

can only let go in increments 

taking the grief in small bites 

like you eat an elephant 

they say, or stay sober one day 

at a time, but what kind of monsters 

are eating elephants anyway? 

what kind of monster are you 

that my best wasn’t good enough 

or maybe you didn’t want me well?

because of course I needed you 

more while I was sick and suffering 

and if that is true, it has everything 

to do with your damage

and I am damaged too 

I am - if nothing else - an agreeable fool 

for love, accepting mistreatment, 

since first boyfriend in middle school

when we first met, you said

I was like a bright light but then

you tried to make that disappear 

and so began my 27 year 

mistake 

so much time I spent torturously 

twisting myself into a pretzel

catering to and caring for

accommodating and excusing

tending to and tip-toeing around

your emotional needs 

and triggers 

I could never get it right 

but I kept trying and you, 

perfecting your gas-light, 

tried to make me disappear 

and - maybe I was never really here