This post will be about meditation, eventually, but first I need to address the F-word again, so back to Fear we go.
There were only three people to whom I shyly sent my first post, and one of them, my older brother responded: "I think it's an interesting post...you say you have been afraid most of your life but don't even offer one possible reason or ponder the cause." And he went on to say "...it puzzles me because you are one of the smartest people I know. You obviously can be successful in the working world, and you can have a successful marriage/relationship. I guess I just wonder why, with all your accomplishments (you have an MA! You won a gazillion soccer championships! :-), you feel insecure. Is it all about Dad? God, I hope not."
Nothing like a sibling to put you in your place AND boost you up at the same time!
I suppose it is "all about Dad" in that he was a highly critical parent, who never seemed satisfied. Growing up, he'd say things like "that's great you won your soccer game and made two goals, but I noticed you're getting an A- in Social Studies..." He could be very loving, in his own way, and he had a heart of gold but he was an undeniably harsh man, who in some ways just didn't seem to know how to deal with people, least of all his family.
It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Everything But the Girl:
'Cause you never learned to speak the language of life
And here you are a grown man
Who can't talk to his wife
And the children you don't understand.
(for full lyrics, see http://www.mtv.com/lyrics/everything_but_the_girl/the_language_of_life/4243085/lyrics.jhtml)
So nothing was ever was good enough for him (or that was often the message), which led to discounting any accomplishments instead of enjoying them, and constantly worrying that I might fail at the next thing, instead of relying on a solid track record of "success" to reassure myself that I would do fine, maybe even great. Especially when "the next thing" was a really BIG thing, like when I moved from Seattle to Milwaukee for Graduate School. I was by no means the star student, I was told I had to work on my writing (a most humbling experience), and I got a couple Bs (unheard of in Grad School, practically). And maybe becoming a Professor was just the wrong path for me and that's why it all felt so hard, but my god did I have to be so petrified that whole first year?! (And the second year wasn't much better.)
When I talk about needless suffering, and Fear being "a waste of energy" this is what I mean. And I know that despite any level of "emotional intelligence" (check out Daniel Goleman's book of the same name), any of us achieve, and whether or not we'd admit to it, we all do this to some degree. The only remedy I've found that works consistently, for me, is Meditation. More about that in a moment.
To be honest though, it's NOT "all about Dad" because I think my mother modeled anxiety for us kids pretty well (not to mention depression). But I don't want to dissolve completely into a therapy session here, and anyway at this point in my life it's really not about looking backwards with intent to blame, only to understand and move forward in my life. As I said in a heated email exchange with my older bro (that I unwittingly started): I know they did the best they could as parents, and anything they weren't capable of well, they weren't taught it by their parents, so how could they have known how to do better or differently?
And who knows, maybe I was born with a tendency towards fearfulness, that has lent itself to these situations all my life? (I do believe in something called "temperament" - it's not all socialization, like I used to doggedly insist in late-night college dorm-room conversations.)
In any case, these days I'm trying to feel the fear and do it anyway (often quoted as the definition of courage), and I also want to redefine "success" for myself. It's true I never got to resolve this stuff with my Dad because he died too young, but I feel pretty certain he'd encourage me to do this, to not remain trapped in one-dimensional thinking and hostage to others' ideas of what counts in a lifetime. And certainly not to remain in a job I disliked and felt so stifled by. His death remains a vivid lesson in the "life's too short," seize-the-day vein.
And also in that vein, wasn't I going to blog about Meditation? Yes, well my story is that I took an 8-week class from a fabulous teacher, Kathie Koenig, about two years ago and it has changed my life. Kathie bases her work on Jon Kabat-Zinn's very straight-forward and simple program of Mindfulness Meditation (see hyperlinks below). It has a Buddhist base but it's not required you delve into that angle, unless you are interested (I'm interested, more on that in another post).
I wasn't too sure about the whole thing at first, but I hung in there, and I knew I was getting somewhere when I had the thought "maybe things are going to be OK, actually?" Just having this tentative thought was such a relief, I can't even describe it! Even if it was only fleeting and the worry reared it's ugly head again later.
But the ability to notice and catch our thoughts before they spiral out of control, to bring attention back to the breath and realize that whatever the fear (or any emotion or strong thought-current really), it's usually not about anything happening this moment, is, simply put, a revolution. It can change everything. I'm not saying that Meditation is a magic-bullet for Anxiety and Depression; the whole point is that the mind is so persistent in its habits (as Jon K-Z sez "if you have a mind, it will wander"), that it takes a ton of practice, but it WORKS if you stick with it!! And that's why it's called a Meditation Practice, it's something you have to work at to get stronger (like exercising a muscle), and to get more benefit from it, over time.
In general, the benefit for me is to deeply understand - and remind myself, when necessary - that the mind is a monkey, bouncing off the walls and typically getting all worked up about things that are probably not such a big deal after all. I feel incredible compassion for that sad little animal, but it's not me, and it's not running my life any longer. I could never have left the safety of my job if it were.
Or do any of the other things I'm going to do with the time I have left on this planet, like live in another country, become at least proficient in Spanish, learn organic farming, do care-taking, start a small business, become a yoga/meditation teacher....and hopefully more. Just have a big adventure, "live wide"*, breathe deep, and write about it all!
*See a wonderful poem called "For Claudia, Against Narrowness" by Erica Jong
