I've Been Afraid Almost All My Life

"Years go by, will I still be waiting, for somebody else to understand?/Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty, and the orange clouds raining in my head/Years go by, will I choke on my tears till finally there is nothing left?/One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy"~Tori Amos


I've been afraid most of my Life - that's probably the most honest thing I could ever say to anybody. Despite what I've accomplished, everything I have gotten out of bed to do all these years, in spite of anything I'm proud of, in that solid way you feel where no one can take it away from you, that I could easily remember or tell anybody who would listen, or list on a resume and be able to stand by..I have been secretly terrified for much of my life.

And I'm so tired of it. It is such a waste of energy. And maybe this is my topic because I recently did something really scary: I quit my solid, well-paid job in IT that I had been at for nearly 11 years to um, sort of do nothing till our house sells and then move to Panama with my husband where we plan to do we're-not-exactly-sure-what, but no corporate jobs, that's the only rule.

My last day at work was Friday, May 29th and I have such a story to tell about the whole process of leaving and where we are headed and once we get there and everything inbetween...but in the meantime, there's this small thing called Fear, but then I guess I've always had that, no matter what I did so why not take a risk?! And I'm confronting a big fear just by starting this blog, because I want to write a book - or maybe several books - about it all, and my published friend sez "just start blogging" and find your audience, get your ideas out there, even before you do a book proposal (which was my amateur first thought), something along those lines. She's smart (and published), so I listened, and here's my first stab.

And speaking of books and conquering fears, I just finished a book that was all about letting go of worry and maximizing joy and abundance in your life - a little bit business-y and maybe too entrepreneurial-spirited for some, but full of enough solid life wisdom that I feel it could appeal to anyone. So check out Don't Worry, Make Money by Richard Carlson (and please, don't get turned off by the title alone).

Like a very wise woman once said "more Joy, less Shame" (Ani Difranco) - ok "Shame" that's not really addressed here, I will just have to save that for another posting!