i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think love is like war
but i got a big hot cherry bomb, and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door
~ Ani Difranco "Independence Day"
(for full lyrics see http://www.danah.org/Ani/LittlePlasticCastle/IndependenceDay.html)
I wrote the below poem before I was married to my husband. We were living together and unfortunately still solidly mired in what is called the "Power & Control" phase of the relationship. I can't for the life of me locate this theory of relationships I am referring to, but it basically delineates three phases: Honeymoon, Power & Control, and Acceptance. I don't believe any couple, no matter how truly happy, gets completely and permanently beyond Power & Control - it's more like even if you do work hard enough to get to the Acceptance phase, you still circle back to the miserable middle part, with any less than completely mature argument. But maybe I should just speak for my own relationship and not generalize?
Well, with the upheaval of selling all our things and trying so hard to get to the "soft life" we desire, we are circling back to Power & Control a lot lately and fighting more - quite a bit more. Picture your biggest, worst move, and then double it in terms of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. We still don't know for sure who our tenant will be in September, although at least we've decided to just rent our unit so we can still go.
The house is such a wreck, with things in boxes and suitcases everywhere, that I'm surprised the cat isn't completely freaking out yet (he goes to his new home this coming weekend - ouch - my heart, but that will be another post). This morning I had a strong reaction ("you did what?!") to the fact that David had already given away our whisk, but then I just used a fork to beat the eggs for breakfast and got over it. But, that was one of my/our better moments, and not exactly typical of what's been going on between us recently.
I'm told that fighting under this kind of stress is completely normal, only to be expected, but I still hate it so much. It just wrenches my psyche, when there is bad feeling between us, and makes me feel like all is wrong in the world. Which is probably related to some co-dependence in me and the relationship, the need for stronger boundaries, and more work I have to do in therapy, blah blah blah but for now it still sucks.
So when a thundershower woke me at 3am last week, and I couldn't get back to sleep - and couldn't cuddle up to David even if he wasn't on the couch that evening, because we're sleeping on this crazy uneven configuration of twin mattress and box spring on the floor, since we sold our bed - I got out my writing file (which I'm supposed to be downsizing, as we speak), and unearthed this poem from long ago. I love being married to this man, but it's really hard sometimes you know?
There are places in each other
that we can never touch.
Lying next to him
among the white sheets
and plump pillow cases
where we love,
I place one hand
on the white skin
where the shirt achingly
pulls up
and look at him, little-boy-like
deep in his afternoon of sleep
face flushed and comforted
some sweet peach vision
taking shape beneath his eyelids.
There are moments with each other
that it seems we can never overcome.
Standing next to him
among clenched fists
and crossed arms on the balcony
where we battle,
I forget the sweetness
and see only ages of combat
and strange back streets
where dark things slink
around corners,
when the gorgeous
enormous language
we use, becomes booted
and repulsive -
wiping mud on the sheets
where elegant lust
turns to a brutish club.
These particular nights
and early morning hours
when the blood runs
there's a swift blade to
separate us - it hangs
in the balance of our
angry words and we
are both just begging
to have it be done.
These two sad goats
butting heads
and bleating at the sun
are nothing like
our puppy love
our licking and sniffing
and protecting each other,
when we can lay down
at each others' feet
with a big sigh
after another long day's run.
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Wow. You are baring your soul. As I do a lot, but usually on email. I respect you for that.
ReplyDeleteOf course it's normal. We always take out our fears and frustrations on those we love. We wouldn't blast a total stranger--that would be a sign of mental illness. But we have no boundaries when it comes to our families--no matter what we say, how hurtful it is, they have to take it.
Marriage is very, very, very hard. I should know, after ending my marriage and relationship of 20 years last year. We were just too different. It wasn't even fighting.. it was the coldness, the urge to get away, to not talk to each other. I can honestly say my love had dried up, leaving only anger and contempt. Very sad. Sometimes I look at her and think about her good points and wish that maybe we could try again.
But then I remember all the things we differ on, not just the little things but big, huge things. I cannot imagine growing old with this person, with the kids gone.
But anyways, that's not what my comment is about. It is about how, as you say, power and control issues are a part of marriage. You are as stubborn as anyone in our family (probably moreso that most, but we all have it). It's the Paul Hirning thing. DId you know that Dad once said to me, "People weren't meant to live together." How's that for an encouraging comment when you are young and trying to make a relationship work?
People change over time, and you have to keep that in mind. You will fight, but you have have that deeper faith that you want to make it work. That it is WORTH the work and the pain. You have a common goal, you believe in many of the same things--how to live your life in the best way possible. Cling to that, and remember, the grass is not always greener. I have been living alone for more than two years. Even with Nicky over three nights a week, it is very, very hard. I wouldn't recommend it.
You are a good poet(tess)! I like your stuff. You should send it to magazines!
D.
Thanks for such a heart-felt comment, you did a soul-baring there too, right out there in full-view! And all your points are well-taken...I know that we'll "make it" as they say, I only wish it wasn't so hard along the way. But writing about it helps, in the meantime. I'm glad you liked the poem too! You can expect more posts with poems, and maybe I will send to magazines soon.
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