Heart and Soul

This time in Hawaii with 5 of my closest childhood friends, for the year we turn 50, long anticipated: 7 full rich days. We got here yesterday, we don’t leave until next Saturday.

And while we have plenty of adventures planned (beach later today, snorkeling Monday, definitely some spa time and possible trip to Volcanoes National Park one of the other days) what I am really most looking forward to doing with these women is what I normally do at home by myself: lie in the sun and read. 

However, because my friends all have such good brains and I still find them interesting after over 40 years of conversation, I also want to talk about what we read.

And so, among the many books taking up way too much room in my suitcase (everyone encourages me to go digital but I just.can’t.yet) are these - Brene Brown’s latest because she’s so inspiring & one of Heidi’s favorite authors, and the other so we can talk about money. 

I want us to talk about money because we are all starting to envision what life might be like in “retirement” and I want so badly for us all to have the freedom to do what we want with the time we have left alive on this planet. Nothing like turning 50 to make you feel more in touch with your own mortality right?!?  

Personally, I figure I have what, about 40 more years tops? Yet the internet tells me the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States in the year 2022 is 81.2 years, so maybe not, maybe less, yikes. 

But I really only want to live that long if I have a certain quality of life, which I define as being a minimum of ambulatory and continent. Having seen what my mom went through living so many years trapped in a failing body, I say no thank you and I’ll just quietly see myself out…I’m a planner, so it strikes me I should really plan for that, as much as I plan for retirement, new thought. 🤓

Anyway: money. Not an easy topic…but we are all amazing powerful women and will figure it out!

Ironically also reading this highly praised novel at a time when I feel the least alone I have ever been (and, the furthest from cold Alaska), while here in paradise celebrating this milestone birthday with these women, who’ve been loving me and lifting me up all my life. 

Because truly it’s the heart and the soul that get deeper and richer over time, along with our relationships if we are lucky and put in the effort to stay connected.

The “Big Island” of Hawaii ~ July 2022

This is Also The Month

So yesterday, just days before my 50th birthday, I did this kinda.crazy.thing.

Crazier than running a 50k - my first ultra marathon - after only “training” up to a half marathon distance? Uh yeah, far crazier in fact.

Just before becoming a 50 year old & qualifying for AARP membership (yes, like a lot of others my age, they already snail-mail-nailed me, those bastards), I got glued into a teeny tiny sparkly turquoise bikini, wearing layers of spray tan and more makeup than I’ve ever had on in my life, and tottered on high high heels out on stage in front of judges under paralyzingly bright lights, where I tried to flex all my muscles at once while holding my arms in slightly unnatural positions and sucking in my stomach. 

And remembering to smile. 

And breathe.

It’s not like I didn’t prepare. In fact, I’d been working on this other turning-50 fitness goal for well over a year, and intensively since January.

It’s just that nothing can really prepare you, in my opinion, for the actual experience of being in a body building/figure competition. 

And it was WAY harder than anything I’ve ever done before. Truthfully, I did not feel very confident, I did not feel that any of it came naturally, I did not feel I was particularly good at it. And in fact, I came in dead last in the two “classes” I entered: bikini masters 40+ and open bikini “tall”

But the “win” for me is that I did it at all, when I wanted to quit so many times since it started to get more & more real and the things I had to do to be successful became harder and harder - including drinking 2 gallons of water a day, doing 2 hours of cardio and 45 mins of abs per day + weight lifting sessions, which required many mornings where my alarm went off at 5am. Not to mention the super-restricted eating during that final “cutting” phase, which in all honesty was its own kind of special hell. 

After driving to the show hotel in Orlando (itself a physical and mental challenge, every time), and spending Friday night, the day of the show itself was a lot of prep - starting with 4am wake up call for hair & makeup. I was permitted only 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter and 1/2 protein shake for breakfast, no coffee not even black because of the dreaded bloating it causes, who knew? And then the rest of the day consisted of a lot of waiting around backstage while other “classes” of both male and female athletes, got their chance on stage; just hours back there in the “prep” area, stewing in all that spray tan and a toxic emotional brew of boredom and dread. 

They call us “athletes” but I have never felt more like a beauty queen. Minus the tiara since only the winners got those, and all I got was my weak “participation” medals. 🤣 

Being a beauty queen was sort of fun for a day I guess, but I can’t see making these types of competitions an ongoing part of my lifestyle or fitness routine. Because it just didn’t feel like me and then also, the fear I had of going onstage and the sense of relief I had when it was all over was palpable. I have never felt that way about any race I’ve done. Not once, no matter how tough, ever.

But I did learn some interesting lessons through it all - about getting out of your comfort zone, for instance, which I think is good, but maybe only up to a point! About being careful with the goals you set and how many people you tell and how invested you get (monetary and otherwise), because you might end up feeling, much as I did, like you can’t turn back.

“A hell of my own making” I started calling it, in the last few weeks. And now it’s blissfully over, and even though my trainer is already talking enthusiastically about my “next show” in September, I know that I never have to do this ever again if I don’t want to.

As incredible as it all was, I think I may just stick to running because it’s about 10x more fun and 100x less difficult; just not nearly as extreme on almost every level, at least in my experience. I do love a challenge and I need to have fitness goals but I have now learned that such extremes just don’t work for me. I will let you know though, if my sometimes malleable opinions change by September!~ 

Time

Poem recited by the Deacon at my mother’s beautiful funeral mass last week, touched my heart.

Whatever the question is, Love is truly the answer.

“Time Is” ~ by Henry Van Dyke, Music and Other Poems, 1904

Time is

Too Slow for those who Wait,

Too Swift for those who Fear,

Too Long for those who Grieve,

Too Short for those who Rejoice;

But for those who Love,

Time is not.

Let It Be Beautiful, Let Her Come Home

When I think about what death could be like, what I want it to be (as I’m not sure I believe in traditional notions of a literal “heaven”), it would be described something like this song. And in her last days, I found myself wanting this for my mother; I was thinking that if I could convey this vision for her, it might help her be less afraid. But I had no idea how to paint that picture, so instead I just told her not to worry about us, her four children, that we were all doing OK, and that we would take care of each other. And she told me, with characteristic grumpiness “I wasn’t worried!” Which made me laugh. My mother made me laugh and feel loved and supported. She wrote me the sweetest letters while I was away at college, that I recently unearthed and reread in the midst of emptying the house of its contents, to be sold last spring/summer. My mother Judy passed away on Thursday April 14th, before I got a chance to talk to her again, and hopefully now she is truly “home” - in that way we all will be eventually. It’s a beautiful song, and a lovely thing for which I can hope.

“Enter One” ~ by Sol Seppy

After a storm

I want to be brave

And keep you warm

And not fade away

As we float from the shore

Into the light

Into the unknown

Like thousands of lanterns

Glowing with grace

In glorious silence

Descending through space

To a friend

A sister in need

Who is not alone

And they are surrounding her

And they will enfold her outstretched hand

In our love

Into the light

It's hard to believe

It's always been ours to give

And to receive

I want to be shameless like the sun

Moving into you

Entering light

Welcome

Inshallah, Inshallah

Enter one

Amazing grace is pouring down

Fear not this light

We are of this light divine

So come

We move as one

Amazing grace is pouring down

Fear not this light

We are on this light divine

Welcome, enter one

After a storm

I wanna let go

Of the things that I've done

Without any worry

I wanna come home

Into the light

Into the unknown

I want to be shameless

Like the sun

Moving into you

Entering light

Welcome

Inshallah, Inshallah

Enter one

Amazing grace is pouring down

Fear not this light

We are on this light divine

So come

We move as one

Amazing grace is pouring down

Fear not this light

We are on this light divine

Welcome, enter one

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Sophie Michalitsianos

Enter One lyrics © Emi Music Publishing

This is The Month

Tomorrow morning at 7am I’ll be on the trail in Withlacoochee State Forest starting my first ever ultramarathon - the Croom Fools Run.

I’ve written recently on this blog about all my enthusiastic running but just to recap: I ran my first full marathon in 2001 because I set a goal of doing it before I turned 30. Quickly after that I ran my first half marathon, and surprised myself by being faster than I ever thought possible. I didn’t run regularly again until 2016 but when I did I picked it back up with a vengeance! What started with training to do a half marathon together with work friends as a lark, turned into over the last six years another full marathon, 5 15ks, a few 10ks, bunch of 5ks, (random 8k and 4 mile distance races in there also), and 21 more half marathons (for a total of 22 completed all told), my very favorite race distance.  

Athlinks.com does a great job of compiling all your races and allows you to sort and filter them different ways: Michele Hirning's Race History and Times

And now tomorrow another age related goal - to do an ultra before I turn 50.  I’m so excited!  (And, truthfully, a little bit terrified as well.)

I’m really looking forward to it also because I had such a good experience last weekend, all on my own (without my beloved running buddy), driving a couple hours north, staying at a hotel over night, and doing a half marathon the next morning, nice and easy, just to get the miles under my belt & to be semi-ready for this race. 

So this afternoon I’ll head up north and do it again. Unlike the half marathon my running buddy and I just did in New Orleans, where I killed myself to get as close to a 2 hour pace as possible (photo below of me high-fiving the race pacer who cheered me on to my PR), the last half and tomorrow’s race is all about just doing the miles, tomorrow more miles than I have ever done before - yikes!

And later this month I’ll celebrate seven years of sobriety, the sort of “platform” of my life, the thing which makes everything else, including all this running, possible. 

At the beginning of my 40s I felt depressed and anxious, directionless, out of shape and exhausted, my life almost completely without joy or purpose. Now at the end of my 40s I just feel so different (to quote a Sinead O’Conner song from long ago that I still love). And I feel lucky, lucky, lucky, to have made it to the other side of that crisis (which is essentially chronicled on this blog, if you go back and read it sequentially), and to feel so excited, hopeful and full of energy for all that lies ahead.

Airplane Poetry

1. words come more easily 

while traveling 

after the intensity 

of family - a few meals 

together, 40th birthday 

party, and visits with the 

last parent who is busy 

dying 

and walking with childhood 

friends to our old 

neighborhood park in 

cold sunlight with 

good dog company

 

all their ordinary lives 

that keep happening 

while I’m gone 

intersect with mine 

when I return and for 

a few shining hours 

we become - together - 

extraordinary

2. How do we forgive our Mothers?*

Maybe with a song 

that recalls their warmth

Do we forgive our Mothers for being overwhelmed too often or forever

when they told us we were “too much”?

Maybe for embarrassing us with unstylish clothes 

when they took us to soccer practice

or making us angry and abandoned 

because they never took us anywhere at all.

Do we forgive our Mothers for working outside the home,

Or not working outside the home?

For standing up to or not standing up to our Fathers?

And shall we forgive them for their lack of empathy or patience?

Shall we forgive them for their cold remove 

or for hot, controlling, sticky fingers in our lives 

like when they pulled tangles from our hair?

Do we forgive our Mothers 

in time, before they stop 

knowing us, when they stop speaking 

or only answer with one or two words?

If we do not forgive our Mothers

How do we forgive ourselves?

*with credit for cadence and form, to How Do We Forgive Our Fathers? by Dick Lourie and featured in the wonderful movie “Smoke Signals”

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

This is What (Self) Love Looks Like

10am massage on a work day 

to counteract all the sitting 

and running and lifting and

because I (gratefully) can 

hip openers in yoga class  

last weekend to help me  

access emotions 

sometimes suppressed 

enough sleep 

water 

good nutrition 

but beyond taking care 

of the only body I’ll ever 

have (in this lifetime) it’s also 

this mental/emotional balance 

no longer entertaining 

any delusions of grandeur 

or feeling like a piece of garbage 

now I muddle through the middle 

of these extremes, as happily and 

as humbly as I can

accepting my relative unimportance 

in the grand scheme of things 

and yet knowing how very important

I am, to those who love me 

knowing that what I do, 

how I treat people (including 

myself) matters 

so, giving myself 

gentle time 

not just cliched

“Self-Care” but 

something deeper 

the power of

God, and keeping clean 

and sober, working 

like magic in my life, 

for as many blessed 

days as I have left

Me, loving my time in last half marathon (also just loving that it was over!)

This is The Year

I am so excited to turn 50 this year! May sound crazy but it’s true…and not only because some of my closest childhood friends and I just bought tickets for a week in Hawaii. (Although that alone is pretty darn exciting!!!!) It’s also because I am not afraid of old age (or, I’m trying really really hard not to be), and I have so much planned for the rest of my life. 

I’m eyeing the possibility of being able to retire from my corporate gig maybe a little bit on the early side, and I can’t say for sure what I will do with myself but never attend another zoom meeting, is high on the list of priorities. I thought I was saying “goodbye” to all that, back in 2009 but (I was delusional and) life had more in store for me, so here I am again, anticipating some joyful joblessness…..just not exactly right now, I still very much need that paycheck and happy/grateful to have it!

But I can see an end in sight (even while having found a great company + area of IT that’s much more interesting/enjoyable, so far fewer days that I am desperate to leave), which makes me feel more free, and is a great consolation for no longer being young. So, I’m hoping we will do some retirement “theraplanning” (yes I just made that up, see how I did that - therapy + plan - because money can bring up complicated feelings for us all!) while we laze around on beaches during the Hawaii trip (there’s been talk about a collective assisted living/small farm situation someplace semi-rural). And meanwhile I’m feeling like ok 50, let’s go!

Long ago, it must be

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was

A time of innocence, A time of confidences

Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph

Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

“Bookends” ~ by Simon and Garfunkel

It’s Christmas Time Pretty Baby

But I don’t feel very Christmas-y. Because my mother is dying and that is all I can think of, sometimes. 

So, a beautiful song to share that is decidedly not festive, but still associated with this time of year. May you all be merry and bright this season! 

Or at least have some contentment and peace, and extra time with people you love. ❤️ Because that is literally all that matters, in the end.

River - originally by Joni Mitchell but sung brilliantly in the show “The Politician” by Ben Platt

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

But it don't snow here

It stays pretty green

I'm going to make a lot of money

Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me

You know, he put me at ease

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle

I'm selfish, and I'm sad

Now, I've gone and lost the best baby

That I ever had

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas

They're cutting down trees

They're putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on