It is 5 AM and You are Listening...to Me

I love this song at least for this one lyric...just for the weird & wonderful existential implications of it! ~
"we are all/in some way or/another going to/Reseda someday/to die"

Brought to me by my old college (L.A.) friend Oliver, on a mixed tape probably long thrown away, but this song coming back to me now for some reason.  Best not to ask why. :)

Soul Coughing- Screenwriter's Blues

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR9WJSX9pnU

Exits to freeways
twisted like knots on
the fingers
jewels cleaving
skin between
breasts.

Your Cadillac breathes
four hundred horses
over blue lines
you are going
to Reseda
to make love
to a model
from Ohio
whose real name
you don't
know

you spin
like the cadillac was
overturning down a
cliff on television
and the radio is on
and the radioman is speaking
and the radioman says
women were a curse
so men built Paramount
studios
and men built Columbia
studios
and men built
Los Angeles

it is 5 am
and you are listening
to Los Angeles

And the radioman says
it is a beautiful night out there!
And the radioman says
Rock and Roll lives!
And the radioman says
it is a beautiful night out there
in Los Angeles
you live
in Los Angeles
and you are going to
Reseda; we are all
in some way or
another going to
Reseda someday
to die
and the radioman
laughs because
the radioman fucks
a model too

Gone savage
for teenagers with
automatic weapons and
boundless love
gone savage for
teenagers who are
aesthetically pleasing
in other words
fly
Los Angeles beckons
the teenagers
to come to her
on buses;
Los Angeles loves
love

it is 5 am
and you are listening
to Los Angeles

I am going to
Los Angeles
to build a screenplay about
lovers who
murder each
other
I am going to
Los Angeles
to see my own
name on a
screen, five feet
long and luminous
as the radioman says
it is 5 am
and the sun has charred
the other side of
the world and come
back to us
and painted the smoke
over our heads
an imperial violet
it is 5 am
and you are listening
to Los Angeles.

You are listening.
You are listening.
You are listening.
You are listening.

Remember when you were young...

Shine On You Crazy Diamond (I-V)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SqFPNTBnv8

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!
You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.
Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

The Cure - For the Moment

Can't beat songs that remind you of being 13 years old...especially when you want to escape the present.  Let's just call it "the Cure" for this moment in my life.

Six Different Ways
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouitmsVcXqY
This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside
I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give them more and more

I'll tell them anything at all
I know I'll give the world and more
They think I'm on my hands and head
This time they're much too slow

Six sides to every lie I say
It's that American voice again
It was never quite like this before
Not one of you is the same

This is stranger than I thought
Six different ways inside my heart
And everyone I'll keep tonight
Six different ways go deep inside

Push
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3f39iMhAM
Go go go
Push him away
No no no
Don't let him stay

He gets inside to stare at her
The seeping mouth
The mouth that knows
The secret you
Always you
A smile to hide the fear away
Oh smear this man across the walls
Like strawberries and cream
It's the only way to be

Exactly the same clean room
Exactly the same clean bed
But I've stayed away too long this time
And I've got too big to fit this time...

Warm.Dry.Safe.Loved

It was Summer of 2008 and David and I were doing the "try it" period on the land we had bought in Southeastern Alaska, just a year prior.  It's hard to describe the landscape there, how raw and rough it is.  Much like the Puget Sound area I grew up with - all rocks and water and non-deciduous evergreen trees, but imagine it, like, 100 years earlier.  That much rougher and undeveloped.  Picture Pioneer Days. :)

It's also hard to describe the landscape of my emotion for the mini-life experiment we were undertaking.  I so wanted this to be the "answer" we were looking for, in our quest for a life outside of regular parameters...a life of peace and quiet, no more corporate jobs, 9-5 grind, we could do yoga everyday, no commute or dry-cleaning, no more frickin panty-hose!  I put a lot of pressure on myself, even before we got there to make this thing work.  And it just didn't.

We took three weeks precious vacation and flew from Milwaukee, WI to Ketchican, AK. We took the float-plane from there to the "city" of Craig on Prince of Wales Island and then a taxi to the town of Klawock, where we settled in at a B&B for the night.  I remember being worried about going out to our land the next day, and barely sleeping the whole night.  

I was that anxious.

And any feeling of "vacation" was over when the next day we quickly claimed the used boat friends of ours had arranged for us and then (unfortunately) bought a brand-new outboard motor and (thankfully) managed to get out to the land we had purchased on Wadleigh Island, an outer island to Prince of Wales Island, without killing ourselves on the rocks that seem to spring up out of the water, like new discoveries, depending on the hour and corresponding tide.  (You are ruled by the tides, when you live on the water like that.)

We ended up staying in the "cabin" on our land on Wadleigh Island (more of a hunting shack than anything, with no running water, no electricity & no toilet), for less than a full week it was so uncomfortable, after the inflatable bed we bought wouldn't actually um, stay inflated and we were so cold and the mice running nearby our heads nearly drove me insane.  Turns out I wasn't quite the "happy camper" I thought I could be, and the deprivations were far too much for me, despite my best intentions.

Defeated, we retreated to the "mainland" Prince of Wales Island, where we found a hunting lodge/RV park with little cabins that were LUXURY compared to what we'd been dealing with...I'd never been so grateful for a space-heater and hot water, soft bunk beds with warm sleeping bags, and not being stranded out on an island so far away from anyone who could help you if you twisted your ankle on a rock or lost your boat to the tides. 

We made a few more trips out to our land, but it was clear by then that it was too far from anything called "civilization" and it wasn't going to work for us, long term.

What I realized through all of this is that I don't necessarily need to escape my corporate job and be truly "free" because all I REALLY want is comfort.  After the worst night we had, I remember thinking clearly "All I want is to be Warm and Dry.  Safe and Loved."  That is not too much to ask is it?

My life had been reduced to these few basic elements, fundamental needs we all have, and I was so grateful when they could be met.  A little bit like anyone who has been through a hurricane or other natural disaster.  That is what my experience showed me, in a real way I will never forget.  How basic our needs are.  How we get lost sometimes when we want more.

Teaching Yoga is Terrifying

I wish it wasn't but it is.

I'd like to not reveal this vulnerability but my husband tells me it's very "unyoga-like" (which he is wont to do, and yes it's very annoying), to not be able to tell the truth about what I'm going through. :)

Tell the whole truth and nothing but, on my own blog but, can I really do it?  And - well, why wouldn't you?  (why indeed...)

So, after worrying about it before & while doing Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) this past summer - "it" being whether or not I would use the training and actually make something of that time & money spent - I basically had a yoga class land in my lap.  Wonderful experienced yoga teacher who went through training with me said she wanted to give up her Wednesday night class at "Shapes" an all-women gym in Bradenton, a suburb of Sarasota.

Would any of her fellow YTT people like to take it?  I said yes.  I pretty much immediately regretted it.

The whole real truth is that I should be a lot less nervous about teaching because I got trained, I got full-on 200 hours trained and certified, I have my YA (Yoga Alliance) card in my wallet to prove it!  Yet I still feel so unprepared and it's still hard...so hard.

The truth is I'm strung out, haven't slept well in months, and I am not a paragon of health, so how can I be a yoga teacher?!

I watch these yoga videos online lately and the teachers, they have all the perfect words (not to mention, perfect bodies)...but I don't.  I'm a total fraud.

https://www.doyogawithme.com/

But I'm somehow making a go of it, driving 20 miles north from my work on Wednesday nights after an often stressful day at my full-time corporate IT job and hopefully I remember to bring something light to eat for dinner and thank god I have two yoga mats one for home and one for the car and I've been so nervous about it I always make sure I have my yoga clothes packed with me and I take notes before class about what I want to do and take notes after about what I forgot and want to do better next time and did I mention I'm barely sleeping these days?!?  It has been, um, a real juggle...

And yet, after my last class - only the third one I have taught since YTT - they actually clapped, and two students came up to me afterwards and asked if I teach anywhere else or another night/time at that gym because they wanted to take more classes from me.  I melted.  I am so grateful and want to keep going, to be more excited and less scared, looking forward to teaching my next class and maybe filled with less terror and dread. 

But I am also left with the thought about how much we can pretend...to not be filled with fear, and how much people believe the illusion we project.

"You seem like you've been doing this for years" more than one yoga student has told me when I've revealed that I only recently went through training, and that I'm new at this.

How do they not know that I'm terrified?  Real question.

Wise Up

Wise Up
~ by Aimee Mann
from the film "Magnolia"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_9EpBL5Txc

It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up

My Love

I found out from listening to memory and silence that I didn't much care, at least then, about going to Paris.  That what I wanted was the breath in the house and the warmth and demands of someone who needed me. 

"It's your love," my old friend Pete had said to me years before, when I was trying to leave a lousy relationship.  "You get to keep that."  My love: precious, lonely gift.
pg.183
Let's Take The Long Way Home
by Gail Caldwell

Love Must Be This, If It Be Anything

"I pray you if you love me, bear my joy"
~ by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I pray you if you love me, bear my joy
A little while, or let me weep your tears;
I, too, have seen the quavering Fate destroy
Your destiny's bright spinning--the dull shears
Meeting not neatly, chewing at the thread,
Nor can you well be less aware how fine,
How staunch as wire, and how unwarranted
Endures the golden fortune that is mine.
I pray you for this day at least, my dear,
Fare by my side, that journey in the sun;
Else must I turn me from the blossoming year
And walk in grief the way that you have gone.
Let us go forth together to the spring:
Love must be this, if it be anything.

The One Place I Can Always Feel Good Now

In my life as a teacher, I used to hammer away at the idea of simplicity. In both fiction and nonfiction, there's only one question and one answer. What happened? the reader asks. This is what happened, the writer responds. This...and this...and this, too. Keep it simple. It's the only sure way home.
pg.150

She takes my hand like a woman in a dream. She is in a dream, and so am I. Like all sweet dreams, it will be brief...but brevity makes sweetness, doesn't it? Yes, I think so. Because when the time is gone, you can never get it back.
pg.841
From the novel 11-22-63
by Stephen King

I recently finished my yoga teacher training (YTT) summer intensive program and boy was it intense!  And terribly tortuously long and yet brief at the same time - and so so sweet.  Even though I enjoy having my weekends back now and feeling like I finally have time enough to actually take care of my life again, I miss it.

I don't pretend that this matters to anyone else but me and maybe my husband, close friends and those who went through it with me.  It doesn't matter on the grand scale of world events or whatever - it's not as important as the situation in Syria, the upcoming presidential election, or Summer Olympics that are now over (to which I somewhat paid attention, listening on the radio while driving back & forth to training), no one really cares in the face of so many other things pressing for our attention - I know this.

But still, it meant something really important to me.  It is my current story.

So, this is what happened...and this...and this, too...I took the YTT course and I wanted it to transform me.  And yet, now that I am through it - I don't feel any different, or I do but just barely. 

I complained to my husband David two weeks in "it's not working!" and he said "it's not working - yet" and that was very positive (and David is often much more positive than me, truth be told), but I can't wishfully think myself into being transformed, I have to FEEL it. 

I wanted it to cure me of various self-destructive habits (such as drinking too much and smoking), but I'm surrounded by these very things at home so it's hard not to...I wanted it to help me feel stronger, and I do. 

I have these new arm muscles (that I'm afraid will disappear fast if I don't keep using them), that I love and the pose "chaturanga" that kicked my ass & I complained about on FaceBook two months ago is easy(ish) now.

That is a change I can see and believe in and love.  My friend, that I hadn't seen since before the training, when we finally got together kept commenting on how changed I seemed, how toned!  But also my thinking, the things I said to her were different and I seemed mentally stronger.

What I love about this story is how now I feel wrong if I can't do yoga every day, and I think about being present with my breath to manage stress much more than in the past.

There is still a lot more life to manage ahead, but I always have at least this yoga/meditation practice I can rely on, this yoga mat I can step onto and take a deep breath and forget all my worries...the one place that I know I can always feel good now. 

Hey Yoga Girl

What are the common (mis)perceptions of Yoga?  As I get into my yoga teacher training (YTT) intensive program this summer, I am as fascinated by the debates & discussions as I am by the postures, and learning how to teach them. 

And one of the first things they did in our training was to expose us to both the history of yoga and what it has become in today's world.

Take this video by the guys who did that "Whole Foods" song -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-8IPDR4Khc

And an interesting discussion on the commercialism of yoga, with the author of a book called Yoga Inc. (see second link below), and the director & founder of a chain of yoga studios:
Yoga Wars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Djj78geiM0c

https://www.amazon.com/Yoga-Inc-Journey-Through-Business/dp/0670068438

Is it really an exercise class that pretends to do a spiritual practice and in the midst just makes a lot of money?

I hope not.  Because I'm looking for it to change and heal my life in ways that I don't think step-aerobics, Jazzercise or the latest power-kick-boxing-spinning-body-pump whatever class could possibly do.

All I know for now is that I have never felt more peaceful than I do after a yoga class.  I am in it for the long-haul and just can't wait to see what I discover next....