I'd like to not reveal this vulnerability but my husband tells me it's very "unyoga-like" (which he is wont to do, and yes it's very annoying), to not be able to tell the truth about what I'm going through. :)
Tell the whole truth and nothing but, on my own blog but, can I really do it? And - well, why wouldn't you? (why indeed...)
So, after worrying about it before & while doing Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) this past summer - "it" being whether or not I would use the training and actually make something of that time & money spent - I basically had a yoga class land in my lap. Wonderful experienced yoga teacher who went through training with me said she wanted to give up her Wednesday night class at "Shapes" an all-women gym in Bradenton, a suburb of Sarasota.
Would any of her fellow YTT people like to take it? I said yes. I pretty much immediately regretted it.
The whole real truth is that I should be a lot less nervous about teaching because I got trained, I got full-on 200 hours trained and certified, I have my YA (Yoga Alliance) card in my wallet to prove it! Yet I still feel so unprepared and it's still hard...so hard.
The truth is I'm strung out, haven't slept well in months, and I am not a paragon of health, so how can I be a yoga teacher?!
I watch these yoga videos online lately and the teachers, they have all the perfect words (not to mention, perfect bodies)...but I don't. I'm a total fraud.
https://www.doyogawithme.com/
But I'm somehow making a go of it, driving 20 miles north from my work on Wednesday nights after an often stressful day at my full-time corporate IT job and hopefully I remember to bring something light to eat for dinner and thank god I have two yoga mats one for home and one for the car and I've been so nervous about it I always make sure I have my yoga clothes packed with me and I take notes before class about what I want to do and take notes after about what I forgot and want to do better next time and did I mention I'm barely sleeping these days?!? It has been, um, a real juggle...
And yet, after my last class - only the third one I have taught since YTT - they actually clapped, and two students came up to me afterwards and asked if I teach anywhere else or another night/time at that gym because they wanted to take more classes from me. I melted. I am so grateful and want to keep going, to be more excited and less scared, looking forward to teaching my next class and maybe filled with less terror and dread.
But I am also left with the thought about how much we can pretend...to not be filled with fear, and how much people believe the illusion we project.
"You seem like you've been doing this for years" more than one yoga student has told me when I've revealed that I only recently went through training, and that I'm new at this.
How do they not know that I'm terrified? Real question.
But I'm somehow making a go of it, driving 20 miles north from my work on Wednesday nights after an often stressful day at my full-time corporate IT job and hopefully I remember to bring something light to eat for dinner and thank god I have two yoga mats one for home and one for the car and I've been so nervous about it I always make sure I have my yoga clothes packed with me and I take notes before class about what I want to do and take notes after about what I forgot and want to do better next time and did I mention I'm barely sleeping these days?!? It has been, um, a real juggle...
And yet, after my last class - only the third one I have taught since YTT - they actually clapped, and two students came up to me afterwards and asked if I teach anywhere else or another night/time at that gym because they wanted to take more classes from me. I melted. I am so grateful and want to keep going, to be more excited and less scared, looking forward to teaching my next class and maybe filled with less terror and dread.
But I am also left with the thought about how much we can pretend...to not be filled with fear, and how much people believe the illusion we project.
"You seem like you've been doing this for years" more than one yoga student has told me when I've revealed that I only recently went through training, and that I'm new at this.
How do they not know that I'm terrified? Real question.
No they dont know youre terrified. My knees shook at my last ballroom exhibition but when i watched the tape i looked fine. Its quite the high when they come up to you afterwards, isnt it? Fake it till you make it baby. Keep going. You rock!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks Rich you are right and I appreciate you commenting though you don't really address the existential anguish & subject...that's OK I will continue to fake it until I can make it true! And no matter what, I will keep going, my Father didn't raise a quitter :)
ReplyDeleteMichele, don't worry about not being "perfect" - alot of folks might appreciate that, it makes you more real and accessible than the perfect robot yoga teacher.
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