Wisdom Teeth

Wisdom Teeth
~ Michele Hirning, Summer 1995
When they took them
I cried through the novocaine
and such cruel insistent digging.
It was as if they were after something that
wasn't there and the bone would crack
from my stubborn giving.
They took them but
not all because I was so very
full of pain and blindly resisting.

Afterwards they gave drugs
and sympathy and I went home
to ice packs and the slow aching.
Friends came with soft food
and movies but I couldn't
see the screen or eat through my crying.
I languished on the couch for days
swallowed pills and tears
and thought about only surviving.

Now, what has only recently taken root
is also extracted and it's
an even more begrudged giving.
This time I do crack:
she takes him all, and I am left
more shocked and wounded, more shaking.

They come with sympathy and soft eyes to
hear how I was wronged and read the poems
but I am more stubborn
and less wise,
there are no drugs
that work and the tools
don't stop digging.

The Body Song

By Michele Hirning (circa 1994)

The body is a simple being
all skin and beat
it knows what it wants
it wants to win
another evening's silent retreat
from working limbs and
keeping eyes open into
repairs of the cell and well
regulated flush and heat.
It is easily satisfied by
meals and baths
a little coffee and nicotine
a little drink, a little something sweet.
Without love and longing
it is simply sexual:
a quick and clean machine.
This is all just good plumbing.
It is carefully maintained, organized
and roundly neat.
And I trust it, implicitly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good animals, nuzzling each other
mechanically.

The body is a cursed being
all sin and rage
it knows what it wants
it wants to be thin,
flawless like a celebrity,
it looks for escape
from mirrors and magazines
from age and the bars of this
osteoporotic cage.
It is never quite satisfied by
food - a war
to wage - either too-full or starving
these calories plumping up the blood stream.
Without lust or language
it is sickly sexual:
a silent and violated scream.
This is all just good upbringing.
It is carefully restrained, dressed-up
and placed upon a stage.
And I hate it, adoringly.
I know that we can only hope to be
good girls, killing ourselves
softly.

The body is a beautiful being
all song and light
it knows what it wants
it wants to begin,
to be healthy, to live long and
it will fight for a
space to dance, to dream and write
to be well-fed and go to
bed and wake up newly bright.
It is sometimes satisfied by
what it is
a body but also soul and mind
not separate, not wholly wrong or right.
Without lies and limits
it is serenely sexual:
a deeply delighted me, an irony.
This is all just good laughing.
It is lovingly uncontained, humored
it makes mistakes but it lives without fright.
And I accept it, unconditionally.
I know that we can only hope to be
good bodies, trying to live
soulfully.

Translation of my Body

the translation of my body
becomes sodden today
in the darkly breathing
spaces

a wad of
wet blackly settling
napkins to wipe up
the spilt wine
cigarettes of the night
before

"good morning"
smiled
between lips used
into redundancy
and limbs lying
heavily

but tirelessly
tearing the recycled
wrapper
from a new day

LizPhairsJustGonnaStandThere

Oh Liz Phair, how I loved you in the mid-Nineties!!! And how you described my life back then, in some ways....I loved how angry you were and how you did not hold a punch. Tell it like it is (was) girl....

Fuck & Run excerpt of lyrics:
"I didn't think this would happen again, no matter what I could do or say,
Just that I didn't think this would happen again, with or without my best intentions.
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend? The kind of guy who tries to win you over?
And whatever happened to a Boyfriend, the kind of guy who makes love cuz he's in it.
And I want a Boyfriend, I want a Boyfriend,
I want all the secret old shit like letters and sodas."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6iYQB6nVwI

More fucking, Liz Phair style:
Supernova
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM60GAPIXTY&NR=1&feature=fvwp
"and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I just feel so liberated saying this over & over on my own blog. :)

"Even when I was 17...even when I was twelve."

And she kept telling it, in later songs like the below....
Divorce Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IktAMW2ui3I&feature=related
"and it's true that I stole your lighter
and it's also true that I lost the map
but when you said that I wasn't worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
but if you'd known how that would sound to me
you would've taken it back
and boxed it up and buried it in the ground"

This song just happens to apply MUCH more to my life now!

"and the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
but if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
but you never been no waste of my time, it's never been a drag
so take a deep breath and count back from ten and maybe you'll be all right"

AND...speaking of unhealthy relationships and divorce, another song I'm loving lately also ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av3n
"we’re runnin’ right back, here we go again
so insane, cause when it’s goin’ good its goin’ great
i’m superman with the wind in his back, she’s Lois Lane
but when its bad its awful, i feel so ashamed i snap"

And full lyrics to Part 2 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B50RUXbs-8
Love The Way You Lie lyrics (Part II)
by Rihanna
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna]
Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right
‘cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

[Rihanna]
So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my f-ckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

[Chorus]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

She Breaks My Siren

I will just let Tori speak for herself! It's better than my poetry, that's for sure. That's why she makes the big bucks and I am...only blogging. Apparently to little effect! Oh well, "Never was one for a prissy girl...Almost in love..."

Siren
~ Tori Amos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aD4egZFxw8
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way

And I lie some other day
You do
And you say girl
Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren

Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla
Vanilla

And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way
And you know you're gonna lie to you
In your own way

And you don't need the light on
To guide you through the southern lands
Go said go, yes

Know too well
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren
Know teenage flesh
Know the chill
Know she breaks
My siren

Never was one for a prissy girl
Coquette call in for an ambulance
Reach high, doesn't mean she's holy
Just means she's got a cellular handy
Almost brave, almost pregnant
Almost in love
Vanilla...

Mourning

Going back even further, here's a poem I wrote in high school circa 1988 maybe, not sure exactly. But I do remember EXACTLY what it all felt like: my first love, first heartache and its passing, though in fact it took a long time to *pass* - took me almost until I got out of college, sadly. And even now I hear friends run into him in Seattle from time to time, and he still talks about me, which is weird. But flattering, nonetheless! :)

As *they* say, there's nothing quite like the first is there?







Mourning
I regretfully arise
to meet the day.
Cobwebs of dreams
cling to my mind and shadows
linger beneath my eyes.

My first breath of the
morning is used
to form his name.

I caress my cold shoulders
and remember warmer
days when the phone
would jangle
the seven A.M. stillness
and his first breath of the
morning would form
my name.

Time passes so slowly
when I am not asleep
and numb
and dreaming of the one
I have lost forever.

Love passes so slowly
when I refuse to see
it go
and I keep false hopes alive
though I know:

I must wake to an icy
realistic mourning
in which no phone rings to say
I love you too.

And You Never Know

And You Never Know
originally written July 11th, 1991

when a song will come
on the radio
when you're in the back
seat of a car coming
home

when you're smoking
your last cigarette
for the evening
and you're in love
no longer

only a memory
remains
a feeling, a song, hope
for love
playing on the radio

and you're exhilarated
because you remember
this feeling
and the wind from the car
going much too fast
is blowing past
your hair and in
your face
it's still the same night wind
you've felt before but
you're not the same

and you cannot stop
to ask yourself why
it doesn't matter
because you're alive

and singing
this one song
(and you never know
when you're going to die)
and you...drift
leave yourself
back there
somewhere

with the stereo speakers
and floating in
the music that
plays most loudly
inside your head

don't even know exactly
where you are going
what car you're in

don't care
about
instead
only the song
that comes on the radio
that makes you
love again

Song From My Sister

My sister sure can talk, baby, also. She wrote this in high school, about her, about me and about us being sisters together. And I absolutely love it! Also love the video taken by my husband when we visited Seattle in August of 2009, which I think is really really funny. Thanks David and thank you Stephanie, for being the best sister I ever could have had.

"You're too funny," she says to me in a playful mocking way. Her laugh settles into a heavy, stretching sigh. She's beaming at me with a mouth full of thick, ortho perfect ivory, reminding me of a white picket fence.

She continues the conversation and I can't help concentrating on the delicate, but firm sound of voice; the words ending with soft corners. Her short sturdy fingers press upon the stereo controls with swift, confident precision. A familiar tune rises from the fuzzy black speakers and we smile at each other with recognition. The room is glowing from the sweet smell of music and her childish display of happiness. Her head plays with the rhythm, bouncing left to right, and her golden brown curls tumble in every direction. Her face lights up, singing along and she's bending her knees to the beat.

The music wraps us with cotton memories. They turn whiter and fluffier over the years, but I faintly remember how coarse they once were. She was twelve and I was eight. Trapped in the same room, we had our separate illusions of privacy and "being older." We held a thick wall between us, to protect our dignity and individuality. But mine wasn't sturdy, and I often wanted to crawl to her side when mine became too silent. Flowers and beautiful music lingered among her wall and I had to strain my ears and my eyes to see them. Her Pink bedspread with yarn sewn hearts, looked across the room in shame, at my sickly yellow and green striped blanket.

My hair was never as full and curly, and my cheeks never shone the same rosy color. My eyes were brown beads, compared to her big blue ones. And my voice tripped awkwardly out of my mouth, smothered by the graceful melody of hers. She would pull Tiger out of my arms, because he was her cat and loved her more than me. I listened with aching envy to her share secrets on the phone, and leave for the movies with friends.

I suffered the unforgivable justice of being too young. But I loved my sister all the same with an unconditional admiration that was too powerful to drift into jealousy. And she loved me, with the older sister pride that was difficult for her to show. But I knew, watching her sing and dance in my room, smiling.
~ Stephanie Hirning

Hold On

Do we take on our parents' troubles because we think we "owe" them? But what do we really owe them? Serious question....

They raised us, my sister Stephanie & I - crazingly-amazing girls with all this energy that they had no idea what to do with...they did the best they could, and this post is not about blaming. And yet...they didn't SEE us really and now? Really, now that we are finally finding ourselves and going to make our lives golden we have to take all this time & energy to nurse their worst fears and entertain their drama and engage in all this bullshit, REALLY?!

We will get through this, my current family crisis, and people will have to adjust, they will have to change, and it WILL be painful, I don't mean to down play that at all. But we (myself, my sister, my brothers) do not have to be the buffer for the pain of others, we do NOT have to absorb it if we just say No. (And a wise woman once told me "You don't have to be angry, to say No" - because I've been pretty white-hot ANGRY lately.)

I know, not "just" - it's never "just" anything. My mother in Seattle is dangerously close to ending up in a wheelchair, at the young-old age of 67, because she needs a knee replacement but her legs aren't strong enough for her to get one. And I/we haven't done "enough" (so the Extended-Family story goes or seems to be going).

And so I have her siblings calling me up (and my older brother too), saying how concerned they are, how she needs a stationary bike in her living room in addition to the physical therapy, and how oh my gosh "she doesn't seem to be taking care of her personal hygiene" - and I just want to SCREAM sometimes.

I cannot make my mother want to live. THAT is the awful truth. And I will not suffer needlessly for it. I flatly refuse. I say NO to feeling BAD about my mother & her choices. I just cannot do it and still have a Good Life of my own. I put the mask on (in the airplane, when the cabin loses pressure or oxygen goes out or whatever), on me first. Only then can I help anyone else. Do you understand?

A friend contributed this quote: "Things going 'wrong' are actually things going right." A friend who is having her own family struggles right now, so I know she knows something about this. But somedays I still struggle to see anything "right" about all this.

Hold On
~ Sarah McLachlan
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn’t easier than the real thing
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know I’d do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am i...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Oh God if you’re out there won’t you hear me
I know that we’ve never talked before
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face...

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHBmpGLGyk8&ob=av2e

Good Enough
~ Sara McLachlan
Hey your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home
Why don’t you let me take you
It’s no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me
After all the bullshit I’ve heard
It’s refreshing not to see
I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me

Don’t tell me I haven’t been good to you
Don’t tell me I have never been there for you
Don’t tell me why
Nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said that it’s ok
The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today
It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone
And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this

So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you
Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you
Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough
So just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you
I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjKPJbtghvs

Perfect Girl
~ Sarah McLachlan
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laeln1XKjoU

You Always Hurt The One You Love

So, David & I recently watched the movie "Blue Valentine" and it completely broke both our hearts - but in a specific individual way for both of us....because despite however much we "merge" with the loved one, we always remain separate, individual, and ultimately alone.

David had a girlfriend long-ago who had an abortion, and he was there with her...I was always terrified of having to have one myself, but never did. But I was there holding hands of friends who did, and it was painful. In all meanings of that word.

And then there's just the routine pain (depicted so well in this movie), of love that gets worn-out over time - how we stop seeing each other and how we forget to love the best thing in each other, or at least want the best for the one that we love the most. And then, how we hurt them.

So....whatever you do, be sure to watch "Blue Valentine" with the one that you love - and hurt - the most!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM0A_yg8XjU

You Always Hurt The One You Love
~ words by Allan Roberts and music by Doris Fisher
You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart la-ast night
It's because I love you most of all

You always hurt the one you lo-ove
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest ro-ose
And crush it till the petals fa-all

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So-o if I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you mo-ost of a-all

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
Crush it, ti-ill the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all...

Other versions:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOCCq0gjvrE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cTxNlxPasw