David & I went "home" to Seattle recently for a short visit. As my friend Sara said in her lovely loopy way "why are you here now?" meaning, why then and not one of the two major Holidays that are currently bearing down on us with every available resource, including my paper Starbucks coffee cup suddenly red and festooned with snowflakes, even though X-mas is still over a month away. Gah!!
And the answer was um, frequent flier miles that we couldn't use during black-out dates, and just wanting to avoid the whole holiday travel-cluster. Or something like that. Maybe I just wanted to get it over with?
The visit was hard and in the aftermath I'm trying to understand why exactly. As a default, I suspect it was probably all my fault. I was in an almost continual state of mild to high anxiety, not unlike when we visited last time, but for wholly different reasons. That last visit, back in August of 2009, I was on the brink of moving away from Milwaukee and changing my life entirely. Since then, despite some struggles along the way, it's been working out really well here in Florida. But I didn't know then how it would all go down and I was terrified by the unknown.
During this visit, it felt strange to be back, on the other side of the unknown, having survived that jump off a cliff but not being so much different or better because of it. I guess I thought or had hoped that we could leave our old lives and transcend the limitations and trivialities involved, inventing something completely brand-new & wonderful. Something I almost couldn't imagine (part of the fear), but definitely more interesting (and peaceful, I think that was the word) than what we had known.
So, this visit I think I felt like a little bit of a let-down, to myself & to others. And my anxiety seemed to be all about the trivial - worry about my still-new job, not being sure of myself there yet, the bonus of David starting a new job as soon as we got back to Sarasota, and basically just wanting to be in a better space when seeing friends & family for the first time in over a year.
Thinking about how they perceived me/us, especially after all our grand pronouncements last visit, about moving to Panama and the new life we were starting, when all we've done so far is land in the sunshine state and get jobs very similar to those we had in Milwaukee, we're just a lot warmer and I don't have to wear pantyhose to work (not a small thing, mind you).
Being somewhat vain, those extra 20 pounds I put on in the interval didn't help. What I felt, on the deepest level, was was something like "am I ok, am I really OK, please tell me I'm ok?!" And something more - about my mother's house, and my family, how well or not well we are all doing, at this stage in our lives, and how it looks to others.
But I'm also newly grasping that this has always been my disease, my problem, and part of the darkness in my soul: anxiety. Worrying WAY too much about what other people think, wanting some kind of approval to bolster my sense of sort-of security. Maybe we all do it, to some extent, maybe I'm not the only one? I thought I sensed a bit of this in my Seattle friends too, but it's sometimes hard to tell: what's the reality and what's the negative/depressive/anxiety-ridden lens through which I am realizing I tend to see the things around me? What is true?
I had a hard time seeing what was true, in Seattle at my mother's house, with the clutter & chaos (and all that it signifies) that I can't even begin to describe because you wouldn't believe me, and her deteriorating health and she's still so young, she could be making so much more of her retirement!
She is my "model of womanhood," as all mothers are to their daughters (not to sound too psychobabbley), and I don't want to end up like that. It makes me sad, and I worry about her, but I feel I can't really do anything to help and there's also a selfish part of me that just doesn't want to. I flee back to Florida, leaving my brothers to deal with it.
My older brother Dave commented upon how strange it is that my sister Stephanie and I both live so far away - she in Texas, me in Florida, which is about as far away from Seattle as you can get in the continental U.S. in case you haven't noticed - and said that he couldn't imagine living anywhere else besides Seattle. Maybe Portland, at a stretch. I sat there in his car speeding to the airport for our flight back to Sarasota and thought/voiced that I was trying to imagine feeling that way. I just couldn't.
I can't relate to feeling like Seattle is my Home anymore, which is somehow strange to say. And I don't know anymore if that's because of the places life has taken me, or my choices, or just the fact that Seattle felt so very cold, dark, damp and muddy to me during this visit; we usually visit during summer, when the weather is better, but I think we've also become rather thin-blooded from living in a much warmer climate.
All I know is that in thinking about this visit, my mother, her house, my whole family and how I breathed a huge sigh of relief upon returning to my mostly clean and definitely uncluttered apartment, I feel guilty.
I watched Grey's Anatomy the other night and totally identified with Alex Karev, when he talked about going home to Iowa and dealing with the chaos of his family. He felt like he didn't do anything - or he didn't do enough - to help them and, worst of all, he didn't stay. If you missed the episode or just for commentary on Alex's situation, you can check out the post on the Grey's Anatomy writers' blog (always a great read) -
http://www.greyswriters.com/2010/11/bill-harper-on-somethings-gotta-give.html
Near the end of the episode, Alex confesses: "I'm the ass who can't stand to be there." That's me too I guess - or that's what I feel like, on a bad day, when the lens of depression/anxiety is sharpened. OK. So. Now you know.
Michele,
ReplyDeleteI will share more of my feelings in an email to you, but I think this was the best post you've ever written here. Not because of the writing, although that is excellent, but because of the content. As your brother, your own flesh and blood, I can totally relate and understand what you are going through: the doubt, anxiety, guilt, gloom, depression, and general questioning. "Who am I? How did I get here? What have I done with my life, and what should I do with my 30-40 years left?" I think these are all existential questions that we (particularly you and me) ask ourselves constantly. We question what we do professionally, in our relationships with others, in our achievements and our overall sense of self worth. That's just part of the Hirning package, for good and for ill.
For God's sake, don't worry so much about things you can't control, such as how mom, or I, or Chris is doing. We are fine here in Seattle, despite our struggles. I don't think for one second, "Michele should be here to help me deal with this stuff." That is the total truth, I never think that. Why? Because you've got your own life, and for some reason it's taken you to a different place than myself or Chris (Steph's the same way). It is what it is, and I feel fine about it. You need to live YOUR life, and not try to live others. You are my sister, and your love is unconditional for all of us, and for that I will always love you dearly. I value your thoughts and advice. But please, try to be happier and worry less. Try to remember whatever mantra you use, whether it's "Everything happens for a reason" or "All you can do is all you can do (and all you can do is enough)" or whatever. I use "life is difficult" from TRLT and "Personally, I regret everything" which comes from some random personage that I heard quoted once. That's who I am. Be who you are. That's all we can do in this world.
I love this post...the picture...and the visit that made it possible...Most of all I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love David's response here. I'm catching up on your blog, as promised. Reading this, I realize I did read it at the time, and didn't know what to say b/c I was not on "the list" on this Seattle visit! But I do remember reading and understanding why it wasn't one of those "I'm going to call everyone" visits. It's very clear from your post that you had reasons for not wanting to do that. Still, I hope I get to be "in on it" next time. If it helps, we ALL have feelings like those you describe, I think. Well, I guess I should speak for myself: I do! I think all girls who were labeled as "gifted" do. As though we "should have" become more, sooner. I'll save elaborations on that theme for a conversation over some booze--at your mom's house, OK? There! Now I know I'll see you next time! Love, P.
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