Memorial Day Weekend Retrospective

So, we were in Fort Lauderdale this long holiday weekend, just getting away from the usual surroundings and enjoying a nice hotel with a pool ("my kingdom for a pool!" I've exclaimed ever since we arrived in Florida, and if my new job continues to go well & we end up moving closer to it, I may eventually get my wish). It's kind of funny, because what do you do for vacation when you live in "Paradise"? Well, you take a road trip across this skinny state to visit a different paradise, I guess...but the Atlantic side of Florida is much more crowded, developed and expensive than where we live, and it made us quite happy to get home safely to our sweet, quiet little community on the Gulf side.

I'm very conscious this weekend of the fact that May 29th marked one year since I left my job at Northwestern Mutual. I can't believe it's been a whole year but, to risk a platitude, they do go faster as we get older, don't they? This anniversary has given me much needed pause to reflect on that choice and all that has happened to me and to us since.

Looking back I can see that yes, it was a big deal to leave that job and embark on this new chapter of our lives, but maybe not as big a deal as I made it. I admit that between being suddenly free from the Monday through Friday 8-5 grind, starting this blog and going through the arduous process of saying goodbye to an animal, material objects, and people that were important to me, I may have become a bit self-involved. OK, probably more than just a bit but, in my defense, I'd really never done anything like that before. Moving to Milwaukee at the age of 23 for the clearly defined goal of attending graduate school was plenty scary, but nothing like what it felt like to be untethered that way.

I think I also went a little crazy (even more than my usual insanity), from the change, the anxiety and pressure of such a big move, and lost whatever perspective I had. And that may have had something to do with the big blow-up with Christie, my one really close friend in Milwaukee, right before our August trip to Seattle and subsequent leaving Milwaukee, with nothing but what we could fit into two cars, in early Sept. Those of you with whom I spoke about this incident know what a devastating and horrible experience it was for me, but I never did publish much on this blog about it. The whole thing just felt too vulnerable and anguished, I guess.

I actually ended up losing another close friend during the course of my big life-transition and I still don't have either of these two friends back, maybe never will, but I'd like to think that the situation isn't hopeless and life is long. If at some point either of them are interested in reconciliation, maybe I can try to repair the damage. I've learned a lot of things in the interim about how to listen better and exercise more patience and compassion (see The Art of Happiness, a wonderful book I've been reading lately), and maybe that would help.
http://www.theartofhappiness.com/

My temporary taking-leave of my senses probably also had something to do with how hard it was once we'd moved down here and the first flush of being in a new, surprisingly gorgeous environment had subsided. That's when the lack of income started to really worry me and - more than anything - I just didn't know what the hell to do with myself, ultimately. I had too much time on my hands, was uncertain and guilty because I wasn't using that valuable time to be productive, in any sense of the word, and as it turned out I didn't know what to do with the freedom I'd always coveted.

I felt paralyzed, like I couldn't make decisions about my own life as an adult, in my untethered state, and that seemed pathetic. Above all, I wanted the transition to FL and the next step to Panama to happen easily and instantly and when it didn't, when there was plenty of difficulty and depression, I felt like I had failed somehow.

But the good news is that things have been steadily improving and so, despite these well-documented rough patches, I can honestly say that we made the right decision to leave Milwaukee and move here. This has been a beautiful choice for us, despite all the misery, fear, doubt, regret etc. along the way. David has reminded me that when (not if, but when), we move to Panama it's bound to be hard at first also. But hopefully having gone through this experience I will be able to approach that next challenge with more strength and confidence and faith.

We've learned what it was like to reduce our possessions and start a whole new life, and I've realized how important it is to try different things in order to discover your limitations and what you really want. Like how the horrible experience at FCB (Fucking ClickBooth!) made me appreciate work cultures and processes that are sane, and being an Executive Recruiter taught me that I will never ever be able to successfully do a sales job. I'm pleased to say that, uncharacteristically, I don't feel the slightest bit bad about that. :)

There's still a lot of exciting possibilities for us, so this is not just an exchange of IT jobs in Milwaukee for same in Florida, at least not in the long-term. For instance, I recently met a woman who wants to do sustainable farming with small crops, a few animals and water/solar energy. We hit it off and she mentioned that she might need a live-in couple to help her with the project. This same woman also has a friend with property in Panama, who may need a caretaker - exactly the kind of situation we'd been hoping for.

But for now, we're content to be here in Paradise, enjoying the glorious weather, trying not to worry about the house we still own, or the oil spewing into the Gulf, or the coming (more active this year, I hear) hurricane season. Just doing what needs to be done at the moment, while we continue to figure out what's next. I've got an IT job that I'm enjoying, at what seems like a good stable company. Which frees David to continue doing less well-paid but ultimately hopefully more profitable entrepreneurial things with a couple of business partners locally. One of which is creating and administering penny auction sites, the latest phenomenon on the internet. Check it out, if you haven't heard of them yet:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Bit-The-Penny-Auctions-Sites---A-Mathemitcal-anaylsis-for-the-novice
http://www.squidoo.com/pennyauction

David's been working like a dog on his penny auction site project and, whether or not it turns out to be profitable, he's learned a lot and I'm so proud of him. One way or another we're going to save money and see what develops for our next step. It doesn't all have to happen easily and in an instant, and I think I'm finally learning how to be more patient. And, OK I'm still a little bit self-involved but then, who isn't?