Summing Up 2009: Our Choices, Our Worries, Our Faith

Anyone who knows me very well at all knows that I've never been a religious person. Raised Catholic by a father who wielded church attendance like a weapon, I pretty much got out of the institutionalized religion business as soon as I could (college). But lately I've been coming around to this idea about God and trying to believe in something greater than us puny humans on this earth. If only to provide myself some solace as I sometimes wonder slightly if we made a mistake in changing our lives and coming here to Florida. We aren't making it financially and it's scaring the crap out of me.

This Fall we've realized our house is not sustaining itself, not like it was supposed to, due to all the money we put into it over the summer while still trying to sell and some unforeseen repairs since we moved out. So it's become clear that we have to somehow find a way to get rid of it. As early as feasible in the new year we'll put it back on the market and we really hafta hafta hafta sell it this time. If we don't, we face some grim choices. And since we need to get this all settled one way or another before we can go to Panama, it turns out that that damn house is the biggest obstacle to moving forward with our plans.

David keeps lamenting the 100k we lost in equity in just a few short years, but I know we are far from alone in that category. The only difference between us and these other unfortunates is that many of them are willing and able to hang onto their houses until the market will rebound (supposedly). For David and me, that's not an option, we just want to be free from what's become a huge burden. It's too bad because at one point we both loved that house, and it was pretty good to us over the years (minimal upkeep needed and the rents helped us pay for our wedding).

So that's basically the story of Why We Aren't In Panama Yet. And also explains why David got some (low-paid) IT contract work a while ago. I've been sporadically trying to get work also, here there and everywhere (for instance, today I'm applying to a little cafe in the sweet village of Venice Island to the south of us), but applying for "real" jobs in IT also. To that end, I recently had a phone interview for software tester job up in Tampa that went really well. Would mean moving again (otherwise it's over an hour commute from where we are) and delaying Panama, by at least a year probably, but might be worth it if we can meet our expenses and replenish our savings.

It feels like a let-down though, after all our grand plans, and I guess I also feel a little bit embarrassed. I often find myself wishing this was easier; I really thought we had possibly gone through the hardest parts of the transition to a new life, but I guess not. In fact, David said just today that we are going to be in transition for awhile yet, most likely and so my conclusion is that I need to accept it.

But along the way to acceptance, and in moments of weakness, I can't help but wonder...were we too stubborn? Plowing ahead with the move to Florida even when the house didn't sell? Should we have worked longer, stayed in Milwaukee another year, saved more money? But then a deep inner voice (God?) say no. It's good that we detached from our settled lives in Milwaukee (as detached as we can be while still owning the house), even better that we left the safe but soul-sucking jobs, and it's OK to do this in sort of spaced-apart-stages. It's OK to do this anyway that works best for us, actually.

We certainly have no regrets about trading up in terms of warmth and avoiding the Great Winter Storm of 2009 (reason for my hyper-focus on Milwaukee weather this winter - it makes me feel like we definitely made the right choice!). What we're not missing vs. what we are loving, below:




































I keep thinking that if I have enough faith and pay enough attention to where "the flow" is taking us, we will figure out the right choices, find the right path. Not that I think God is going to magically work everything out for us (God helps those that help themselves, remember?), but that really, everything is going to be all right ultimately. I don't need to panic or to make this into a disaster because there's no point to such self-inflicted suffering. It doesn't help anything. David keeps telling me we'll never be homeless (he can always get a job as a nurse) and I believe him. Besides - my loyal readers will be glad to know - things thankfully aren't quite that dire yet.

We are figuring it out, step by step, and will prevail, whatever that ends up looking like. In the meantime, we are very blessed to have each other, and to have the tenuous life we have created in Florida so far. And we hope that 2010 brings us all more joy and abundance, no matter what the bank account balance.

Happy New Year everyone!